


A Place to Remember

by Shastelly



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ADHD, Allura isn't evil, Angst, Anxiety, Blue rocks, Coran likes warm hugs, Depression, Gen, Head Injury, Human heads are fragile handle with care, Hunk is an awesome friend, Hurt/Comfort, I Make Stuff Up, Keith is observant, Lance is not a crash test dummy, Lonely Lance (Voltron), Mental Illness, Pidge is snarky, Season 1, Shiro is spacedad, Team Building
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-06 20:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 28,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17351909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shastelly/pseuds/Shastelly
Summary: What's worse to be forgotten or to forget? Season one story, first person Lance, Lance is having trouble finding his place in the castle and on the team- Keith hijacked Chapter 11cross posted on Fanfiction.net





	1. Chapter 1

I don't want to be alone. When I'm alone is when the voices in my head are the worst. They whisper in my head and I can't not hear them.

"Stupid."

"Worthless."

"Weak."

"You are the worst Paladin."

"You don't take anything seriously!"

"Why can't you be more like Keith?"

"Why can't you do anything right?"

"Why do you even try?"

"Failure."

"You are going to get someone killed!"

It's like an endless looping cycle of pain. I can't break out of it. I can't convince myself that I don't deserve it. Back on earth there was something I took that helped. Helped me focus my thoughts and stopped the loop - stopped the negativity. Without it I was desperate for company, for attention. I tried everything I could think of. I challenged Keith to a race. He ignored me, and when I persisted he got mad and punched me in the arm so hard that it left a bruise.

"Keith, bet I can beat your time for the mile in the gym!" I challenged, cocky grin firmly in place.

"I don't care." He didn't even look up from the computer screen he was looking at. 

"You just say that because you know I'm faster than you." I dug a little harder.

"So go somewhere else - faster." He growled. I'm not sure what he was working on. It looked like a map of some kind. 

"So you are just going to wuss out on training? Can't handle it, Mullet?" I tried the training angle, he was always training. 

"Lance, just shut up." He turned and gave me the angry Keith look.

"Make me." I probably shouldn't have said that. He got up and punched me in the arm. It hurt. He sat back down as I was rubbing the pain out of the spot he had slugged.

"Gee, mature much." I muttered, but even I can get that hint. Not wanted. Not going to get him to go train.

I tried to get Pidge to play a computer game with me. She called me stupid and immature.

"Pidgey, guess what?" I bounced on my heels.

"I don't have time, Lance." She didn't even move, just spoke.

"I found some Altean games on the computer, wanna help me figure out how to play them?" I knew she liked computer games and thought maybe the challenge of learning a new one could lure her away from her current project.

"Figure it out yourself, oh but then maybe you can't." She growled, "I'm busy, leave me alone."

"But Pidgeon, they are two player games, don't make me play with myself." Now I didn't say it on purpose but once it was out I couldn't help the giggle that came with it.

"Oh for the love…Lance leave me alone! Go somewhere else with your stupid immature jokes. I have actual work to do!" She pushed me out the door and then keyed it locked. I know it was locked because I tried to get back in to apologize. She wouldn't open the door though.

I actually managed to annoy Coran. I didn't think that was possible. Leave it to me to be good at something that sucks.

"Coran, my man." I wondered up to where he was working under a console. 

"Hello there, Number Three, what can I help you with?" He asked from under the console.

"No the question is what can I help you with? I have some free time and thought I would offer up my superior assistance to you and whatever it is that you are doing." I was bored. I really needed something to do, but you have to sell these things I think. I've never had any luck asking someone for something to do, it usually ends with me scrubbing something.

"I am checking some 10,000 year old wiring which seems to have suffered some degradation in the shielding and is now producing a short in one of the small crystals. You could hand me the havman geermesher." Coran asked reaching out a hand.

Now I have no idea what that is, but rather than ask I picked the one that looked most likely to be able to mash a gear.  
"No, that's the derflicker. I need the geermesher."

I handed him the next one over that looked kind of like a hammer with a screwdriver at the end instead of a flat face. 

"No, that's the yarpulp. Really, Number Three if you are just going to fool around I can do this myself." He pulled himself out from under the console and picked up the tool he wanted which, for those of you wondering, didn't look like it could smash anything.

"Oh, um, sorry Coran." I am clearly no help to him either. So much for doing something right today.

I made my way through the castle, trying to outrun my thoughts. It was still a strange place, full of rooms I'd never been in. I didn't like not knowing what was out there and not doing anything made the voices so much worse, so I explored. Some of the corridors were dark. I'd asked Coran about it and he said there wasn't need to waste power on keeping them running. It made it seem like a ghost town. Most of the rooms were empty. There must not have been too many people manning the castle at the end. At first I just wondered around with no real purpose in mind, the empty dirty rooms bothered me, but not as much as the ones that looked like the occupant had planned on being back at the end of their day. It seemed wrong for the rooms to just sit there waiting for them. I had been standing in a room like this about a week or whatever Altean time measurement it was ago.  
The bed wasn't made. There were bottles of something on the desk that were turned on their side and a brush with a few long brown stands still hanging from it. The chair was pushed out like waiting for it's occupant to return. There was a picture stuck to the mirror of an Altean with brown long hair and blue face marks. She was lovely, next to her stood another Altean with short white hair and darker skin with green face marks. They had their arms around each other's shoulders and were laughing. 

It struck me so hard I sobbed. She was forgotten. No one was left to remember her, to mourn her, to think of her. She was no one anymore. She had probably given her life fighting evil and now, there wasn't anything left of her but this picture in a darkened room that no one visited. No one but me. I couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be my fate, a forgotten cold room. 

I was raised to respect family and heritage and memories. My Abuela had taught me my family tree back over 30 generations. She used to quiz me on them every time she visited. I remembered once when I was 10 she had taken me on a trip. It had taken an entire day. We stopped and got snacks and drove and drove and talked about family and dreams and what I wanted to be when I grew up. When we arrived in a large city she took me to a shrine. I helped her bring a wreath of flowers we had woven together at home and we laid at the feet of the image of Mary. It wasn't as big of a statue as what I had expected, but the place just felt special, reverent. 

She had also brought a few copper medallions with her to have blessed at the church. One of which she strung on a chain and put around my neck. She had kissed me on the forehead and told me that it would protect me. 

I reached under my suit and pulled the medallion out. I remembered Abuela's warm eyes and soft hands and how she smelled of flowers and sunshine. She had passed before I left for the Garrison, but I will never forget her. 

I stared at the picture of the Altean soldier. I could make her not forgotten too. I just needed to figure out how to do it. I needed the right place. 

I had been searching for it since then. Today I found it. It was a small room compared to most of the common areas of the castle, but as large as three of the individual compartments. I didn't know what purpose it had served before, but I knew what purpose it was going to serve now. The wall opposite the door was covered with a huge viewport that looked out into space. It was inset about three feet. So there was a large ledge at the base. In front were simple wooden benches in three rows. The walls glittered with crystals, they would catch the light from the stars outside and sparkle as the ship sped through space and they reflected the light of my armor. Call me paranoid, but after nearly being blown into space I wore my armor when exploring.

The room was serene and perfect for my purpose. It's funny how moments like this shut the voices in my head up, kinda like I get to say ha ha, not worthless today. Anyway, it didn't matter what the voices had to say, this was good and I knew it. This was going to be a place to remember.


	2. Chapter 2

I wish I was a better Paladin. I just wish. I'm standing here staring at Pidge floating in that stupid cryopod and it's all my fault somehow. I don't even know what I did wrong. I was shooting down Galra fighters and then I heard Shiro tell me to go left and I did, but then I saw Hunk was in trouble. I spun around and took out the cannon that was about to shoot him. As I was cheering my success and the cannon was blowing I heard Pidge cry out over the coms and looked over to see her take a hard hit from a fighter. Blue and I flew as fast as possible and took out the other ships around Green, but she was just floating there.

"Lance why weren't you there to help her!" Keith yelled. "Shiro told you to go to that sector!"

"I was…"

"You were what? Chasing glory? Just had to get the cannon didn't you?" Keith growled.

"Keith, that's enough. Hunk have Yellow tow Green in. I can't reach Katie and we need to get her back. This isn't the time or place for this discussion. We will talk later." Shiro reprimanded us.

I knew what that meant. Talk later always equaled getting yelled at. I failed and Pidge was hurt. When we landed I rushed out of Blue and up Green's ramp. I didn't even question that she just opened up for me. Pidge was there in her pilot's chair not moving and I froze. Shiro came running up behind me and around me to get to her.

"She's alive." He picked her up and carried her out of Green.

No thanks to me, I thought. Shiro got her to Coran who said it was just a concussion and that she'd be out in a couple of varga. So here I sat, waiting, avoiding Shiro and waiting.

Hunk was sitting on the other side of the pod. He had tried to talk to me, but I didn't want to be comforted. I didn't deserve it. I had screwed up.

"Lance?"

"Hunk, what?" I might have snapped. Like I said I didn't deserve to be comforted.

"Why didn't you go where Shiro said?" Hunk asked.

"Didn't you hear Keith, so I could take out the cannon and get all the glory." I growled, stupid Keith.

"Yeah, I know you better than that."

I sighed. "I thought it was going to hit you. I could see it powering up and I thought it was going to hit you." I shrugged. "I'm sure Shiro saw it too and I should have trusted him. I should have followed orders."

"I didn't see it, but I figured it out after. I'm not sure Shiro would have been able to see it from where he was either. You should talk to him." Hunk offered.

"No. He already wants to "talk" to me." Yes I used air quotes. I have never had a commanding officer that wanted to actually converse with me. Talk means shut up Lance and get yelled at.

"Shiro isn't Iverson you know." Hunk tried again and I was really starting to get annoyed at him.

"Really, I wasn't sure their appearance is so strikingly similar." So I can be a bit of a sarcastic ass when I'm upset.

"Lance."

"Just quit, enough, Hunk. I screwed up. Pidge got hurt. I'll get yelled at and I'll move on being a subpar Paladin."

"You are not…"

"Good enough. Yeah I know." I stormed off. I know it wasn't what he was going to say. Hunk would never say that to me. He's really too good to be friends with me and I've never been entirely sure why he puts up with me.

I went to my room and showered. Cleaned up and ready for my talking to, I went down to the training deck. As expected Shiro and Keith were there.

"Hey bossman." I sauntered in.

"Lance, please don't call me that." Shiro frowned.

"Right, yeah, sorry." I ran my hand through my hair and waited for the inevitable.

"Lance, sit down." I sat on the bench and he came and sat next to me. And to give Hunk credit Iverson would have stood over me and yelled.

"Lance, you need to pay attention during the battles and follow directions. I have to keep everyone working together and I directed you to Pidge's sector because Green's firepower and her aim aren't as good as you and Blue. They needed your help."

I hung my head. Just as I thought, my fault again. At least he wasn't yelling, yet anyway. "Right. I'm sorry."

"What were you thinking, why did you change direction?"

"I don't know I just saw the cannon…."

"And you had to get it?" Keith filled in for me shaking his head in disgust.

"Keith, I don't need your help here. Go shower." Shiro dismissed him and Keith glared at me. Great now I got Keith in trouble too.

"I don't know." I muttered.

"You do, talk to me." Shiro asked trying to make eye contact.

"Look, Keith's right, I was just trying to blow something big up and I screwed up and it doesn't even matter why because Pidge got hurt!" I throw my arms up and looked over his head. I wasn't going to look him in the eye just now, that kind of thing can lead to tears.

"Lance, you can do better. I'm disappointed." Shiro shook his head and walked away out of the room. I wished he had yelled at me instead.

I decided I needed to move, do something so I headed out to the deserted halls again. I had made it through like three of fifteen halls now. Sometimes there would be a lot of things to move and sometimes not much at all. I guess at least the rooms will be cleaned up and ready in case anyone ever needs to stay in them.

I couldn't help the thoughts running through my head as I walked. I was so stupid. I messed up. I could have gotten Pidge killed. Why can't I do anything right. Stupid voices sounding like Iverson and Shiro and Keith and all the others that are sure to let me know that they were better than me. That wasn't fair. Shiro never told me he was better than me, it was just obvious.

I opened three empty rooms and then in the fourth found a framed picture of a family and a medal. There wasn't anything else personal in the room so I tidied it up and moved down to the Shrine room as I liked to call it. I added the picture with the medal hanging from it's corner to the sill. There were representations for fourteen different people there now: pictures, medals, hair bows, a necklace, a shiny stone of some kind, a child's drawing, some sort of stuffed animal and some sort of bejeweled dagger. I sat on the bench and concentrated on them for awhile. Wondering what they each did and who they were, sometimes I made up stories for them and pretended I remembered them really. Yes I know if that's not pathetically lonely I don't know what is.

It's just that I'm so used to having so many people around all the time and now there are just six and some mice. And honestly I'm pretty sure the only one that likes me is Hunk, maybe Coran. Pidge and Shiro tolerate me and I'm pretty sure Keith and Allura just hate me.

After about a varga I wondered back to the occupied areas. I saw Pidge coming down the hall with Shiro.

"Pidge, you're up!" I rushed forward glad to see her.

"I'm up." she answered flatly and I stopped in my tracks.

"Hey, I'm sorry you got hurt." I bowed my head. I owed her more than an apology, but it was all I had just now.

"You should be. Keith told me what you did." She gave me a hurt look.

"I…," that took my breath away. I wasn't ready for that. She looked like I'd stabbed her in the back and I guess from her perspective I had. "I," I licked my lips trying to get my mouth to work again, "It won't happen again."

She turned and walked away. Shiro looked at me a little longer, a frown on his face.

"Lance, I wish you would tell me exactly what happened."

"Why? It doesn't matter." I mumble and turn away. I could hear Shiro call out to me a couple of times, but he needed to follow Pidge and make sure she got food and sleep. I knew how the cryopod thing worked.


	3. Chapter 3

After breakfast the next morning I made myself scarce. I didn't have the energy to beg for their attention today. I set an alarm on my armor to make sure I was their for our scheduled training session and headed out into the unknown. I found three rooms next to each other that had matching pictures in them. I wondered if they had been family or friends, maybe both. I added their pictures and personal items to the shrine room. The alarm sounded on my armor and I headed to training with a heavy heart. This wasn't going to be easy after Pidge had been hurt last time.

"Lance, would you please just focus!" Allura's voice made me flinch, literally. I keep expecting to get hit. I'm wearing my helmet with the visor darkened and I'm supposed to be listening to Pidge and letting her guide me through some bots that are trying to clobber me. Except one of us sucks at this because I feel like a Piñata. Guessing from Allura's voice the sucky one is once again me.

"Go left, no your other left." It was too late this time it was a solid hit to my head and I went down with stars dancing in front of the darkened visor and the sound of ocean waves roaring in my ears. I blinked a few times before I realized that they hadn't stopped the simulation or checked on me and I was still being yelled at.

"Get up. Get up, Lance!" Pidge's voice insisted so I got up only to take a hit between the shoulder blades and another glancing blow to the back of my head. This time I was done. I ripped the helmet off before I puked inside of it and emptied my stomach onto the mat. On hindsight, taking the helmet off without ending the simulation was a bad idea. I felt the bot behind me swing for my head, when suddenly Shiro's glowing arm was there blocking the blow and saving the day.

"Lance! We do not remove helmets during training! It is there for your protection!" Allura sounded really pissed and almost getting brained is definitely going to bother me later, but right now I feel like I'm trying to throw up my socks.

"Allura, not right now." Shiro warned.

"Lance, can you hear me?" Hunk asked. When did he get here?

I nod yes, though nodding makes the room spin more and I decide laying my head down on the mat is a good idea. Thankfully my buddy Hunk has realized what I am doing and guides my face away from the vomit puddle.

"He's got a knot on his forehead. I think he took a pretty hard hit." Hunk was talking to someone else, cause I didn't need to know that.

"Hmm…can you carry him down for a quick scan Number Two. Some time in the cryopod might be in order." Coran was here too, huh? At least people that might like me are taking care of me. I think Keith might just tell me to walk it off or something.

"Do you have like a backboard or something? When humans get hit like that it's good to take precautions in case they hurt their spine." Hunk was talking again. I don't really want to be strapped to a backboard. Those things are incredibly uncomfortable.

"I think I have something that will work." Coran got up, I could feel his feet running across the mat through the floor and then he was coming back. I was rolled over on to the very hard board and strapped down. Then the mind swirling process of being picked up and carried. It's a good thing I didn't have anything left to puke on them.

The next thing I remember is stepping out of the pod. I shivered and tried to catch my balance. Allura was there standing in front of me with a frown. She handed me a blanket. I managed to get ahold of it without falling down. I felt like I was swimming through molasses.

"Lance we need to talk."

Oh. for the love of all that's holy, why?

"Look, I know taking the helmet off was a bad idea, but I was a little out of my head just then and also puking, which is hard to do with a helmet on." Might as well get a head start on the explaining I thought.

"What? Oh yes, well," she looked down and seemed thrown off, "good then."

"I'm sorry I didn't stop the simulation sooner, I didn't realize that a blow to the head had such an impact on humans. I will be more cautious in the future." She looked sincere enough.

"Okay," I looked up at her confused.

"Alteans do not get concussions, as Hunk described." She frowned. "Coran will be working on your helmet today to try to reinforce it. For your more fragile brains."

Fragile?! Of course, mark another one up on the ways Lance isn't good enough to be a Paladin score chart. I think I'm like a billion and one reasons I suck to three reasons I can do this job.

"Thanks, Princess." I turned to leave the med bay area.

"Lance? Are you okay?" She started to reach out to me.

"Princess, I am more than okay!" I flashed her my best flirty grin and waggled my eyebrows. As expected her concerned frown became more negative and she backed away. I don't need her pity.

I wondered out into the hall and headed for my room. I wasn't paying much attention to what I was doing and unfortunately ran into Keith, like literally ran in to.

"Watch it!" He had fallen back on his butt. Somehow I was on my feet, I guess weebles do wooble and don't fall down. With that thought in my mind I was grinning when I reached down to help him up.

"It's not funny!" He swatted my hand away and got up himself.

"I didn't say that it was." Stung by his refusal of my help.

"Then why were you smiling?" He snarled.

"You know smiling is a normal thing that normal people do, right? There isn't some kind of limit or rules about when you can smile." I don't know why he gets under my skin so bad. "You might want to try it some day. Unless you're afraid it might break your face."

"Whatever," he flipped his stupid mullet head and stomped off down the hall toward his room.

"Oh, hey Lance, how you doing? Feeling better? So glad to see you, sheesh." Okay so talking to myself might not be the most sane thing in the world, I'm going to blame the cryopod.

I'm not even sure what time of day it is, but I'm hungry, it seems to be a thing when you get out of the pods you are hungry. Maybe it depends on how long you're in there? I'll have to ask Coran sometime. So I found myself detouring from my room and heading to the kitchen. It was dark and I'm wondered if it's the middle of the night or something and if it was what was Keith doing wondering the halls. I poured myself a bowl of food goo. Sad, but true fact, I'm starting to get used to this stuff.

I don't know how long I sat there mechanically eating before Shiro wandered in. He looked half awake. His robe was hanging on his shoulders and wearing black pajama pants. Seriously the guy is ripped, I touched my own wimpy little abs and wished I could put muscle mass on like that. He didn't notice me until he was right on top of me. Half awake may have been too generous, maybe a quarter awake.

"Oh," he blinked surprised, "didn't see you there, Lance. Glad to see you out of the pod. I thought Allura was going to escort you." He looked around for her.

"Nah, I'm good, just hungry. I'll head back to my room after this." I hurried to finish my food.

"Okay, you don't have to hurry. I'll wait with you. I just came to get some water." He got a hydration pouch from the refrigerator type thing and sat on the stool next to me. "You feeling better?"

"Yeah, sorry about that." I ducked my head embarrassed.

"You don't have to be sorry, Lance, you got hurt. I wasn't thinking you did that on purpose." He smiled slightly.

"No. I didn't do it on purpose, I guess I'm just not very good." I muttered.

"Lance, it was a new exercise and not an easy one. Keith and Hunk both got knocked down too, you just were unlucky enough to get hit in the head." Shiro frowned and put his hand on my shoulder. There is a reason this guy is my hero. I mean he's even nice to losers like me.

"I guess I should be getting to bed." I put the bowl and spoon in the equivalent of a dishwasher.

"I'll walk you there," he stood up and made to go with me.

"Oh, you don't have to." I don't need a babysitter. I may be weak, but I'm sure I can walk to my own room.

"I know I don't have to, I want to. Humor me, Lance. I just want to be sure you're okay." Shiro almost seemed to beg. I feel like I'm missing something, but hey if he wants to walk with me that bad, so be it.

"Okay." I shrug.


	4. Chapter 4

I forgot to set my alarm and slept through breakfast and morning training. By the time I woke up I knew I was sunk. The rest of them would be finishing training about now and I'm sure my name was mud. I hurried to put on my armor and head down to the training deck. Maybe Shiro would have me run laps or something to make up for being late. I remember doing that when I was on the swim team. I couldn't find my helmet anywhere and then I remembered that Coran had taken it to work on. Maybe he would have it in the training area. I hurried through the halls and made it to the doors as they were exiting.

"Sorry, I guess I forgot my alarm." I rushed out of breath.

"Lance, it's okay, no one expected you this morning. You didn't get out of the pod until like 2 in the morning." Hunk looked at me like I was a little nuts. Who knows maybe I am.

"Oh." I'm thinking I blushed from as hot as my face felt.

"Lance, if you want to get a quick work out in, why don't you run through the level one obstacle course. I think Coran is still in the control room and could turn it on for you." Shiro suggested.

"But I'm way past one, why would I…" I looked up concerned, surely Shiro knew I could do better than that.

"Of course, Lance, I just don't want you on anything higher if you are training alone, okay?" Shiro patted me on the head, "and you don't have your helmet back yet, Coran is still finishing it up."

"Okay." I waved to Hunk and Pidge. Hunk smiled back and said to meet him in the kitchen when I was done. Pidge ducked her head and didn't look at me, guess she's still mad.

Keith was staring at me, which was disconcerting, so I stuck my tongue out at him. He shook his head like he was lost in thought and frowned at me. I laughed at him and headed into the training area.

"Coran, set me up with a level one obstacle course, would you?" I waved up to him in the control booth.

"Very good, Number Three, I'll be in the med bay working on your helmet when you get done, if you want to stop by. I'll need to fit it to your head, don't want your head scrambled like a Delmarkian Ogglpie."

"Right." I have no idea what he means a lot of the time, but when he twirls his mustache and smiles he reminds me of my Uncle Havi. He was always telling crazy stories too. Come to think of it, a lot of his stories didn't really make sense either. I smiled up at Coran and waved. The course appeared before me and I was off and running for the first jump.

***

When I arrived in the med bay later, Coran had the helmet sitting on one of the exam tables.

"Ah there you are, Number Three, have a good run?" Coran asked smiling.

"Actually I ran through it three times." I smiled back.

"Well," he looked at his timepiece, "that was very good time then."

"it was only level one Coran." I dismissed. It was probably for Altean toddlers.

"Don't dismiss your accomplishment. It was a good time." He patted the exam table. "Hop up here so I can measure your head."

I took a seat and Coran put a number of strange metal contraptions on my head, hummming and ahhing and making notes. It felt kind of like I was wearing a Ferris wheel on my head. He finally nodded to himself and took it off. He took the helmet over to a bin in the wall and stuck it in. He then entered a bunch of the stuff he had written down into a nearby screen. The bin lit up and a bell sounded about two dobashes later.

"All done." He smiled widely and presented me with the helmet.

"Okay," it looked like he had just microwaved my helmet, but what did I know about Altean armor. I slipped it on my head and it was slightly warm, but not hot. It seemed to fit great. I shook my head around and it didn't move. "Well it still fits."

"Good. I have added some extra durable padding that should be more shock absorbent than the previous. It might not feel as soft, but should perform well either way. I remember when King Alfor designed the first helmets, they were so heavy that the Green Paladin couldn't pick her head up off of the table." Coran chortled.

"Thanks, but how do we know it's safer?" I wanted to be sure it was going to work before the others got theirs done, after all it had worked okay before, what if this was worse?

"Um…well, I suppose we'll know when you get hit in the head? Or maybe I can come up with some tests…." Coran wondered off not really finishing his thought.

It seemed pretty obvious to me that there was an easy way to see if it worked, so I headed to the training room.

In hindsight, I should have stopped at level 9, cause level 10 made my eyes water. On the plus side, no throwing up or passing out noted, and the bot had only been on level 5 that rung my bell earlier.

***

I made my way down to the kitchen to meet Hunk. He was standing over the stove when I got there. Pidge was sitting at the counter tapping on her computer. When she saw me she hopped up all of the sudden looking nervous.

"Um…Lance?" she sounded uncertain and I can't remember her sounding that way before.

"Pidge?" I looked at her with one eye brow raised, waiting.

"So, I'm sorry you got hit." She said it in a rush took a breath and continued, "and I'm sorry I was angry cause it wasn't your fault that me and Green got hit. Hunk told me what happened." She looked up at me. I don't know if she expected me to be mad or what, because I wasn't.

"No, I'm sorry, Pidge. I wouldn't have got hit if I had been listening to you better and I should have followed Shiro's orders. I'm the one that messed up." I didn't deserve her apologies.

She frowned at me, "but Hunk told me you were saving him."

"Well yeah, but I'm sure Shiro or Keith would have done it and if I had been with you like I was supposed to, well it won't happen again. I will do a better job watching your back." I meant it too, no way was she getting hurt on my watch again.

She still was looking at me with her head turned kind of sideways and then just dove forward and grabbed onto my side like a little koala bear.

"Ah, thanks Pidge." I smiled up at Hunk who had been watching us.

"I have something for you," she got down and rummaged through her bag to pull out something that looked like a white plastic cylinder. She pressed a button on the side and a flickering white light lit inside of it. "it reminded me of a candle and I remember you used to keep them in your room at the Garrison. I've got a whole bag of them." She held it up.

I took the not candle and turned it round. It was very much like a candle in effect. The flickering light was a little more white than warm yellow, but it was close. It was perfect and I knew exactly what I was going to do with them.

"I love them!" I grabbed her and spun her around three or four times. She may have yelled at me to quit, but I was too excited to just stop. I may have wacked Keith with her legs on one trip around as he walked through the door.

"Hey, watch it!" He yelled.

I put Pidge down and gathered up my prizes. No cranky pants were going to bring me down right now.

"I see you got your helmet back?" Keith asked eyeing my helmet. Probably trying to see if he could tell the difference.

"Oh yeah. You all have to go and let Coran measure your heads and fix up your helmets too. It works a lot better." I had forgotten to let them know.

"And how do you know it works better, what did you do, let the training bot hit you in the head?" Keith snarked.

"Well, yeah, and it hardly hurts now." There was like complete silence when I said that. How did they think I knew? Wasn't something to lie about after all.

"Are you insane?" Pidge screeched.

"No." I'm not sure why her face has turned that color.

"You are not a crash test dummy, what if it hadn't worked!" She waved her hands around a bit as she was yelling. She was actually really cute when she did it, but I'd learned from past experience it was best not to tell her that.

"We have to make sure those super genius brain cells of yours don't get damaged Pidge. I started on level 1, it's not like I dialed it straight up to 10." I wish they would give me some credit.

"10, level 10? You let a level 10 training bot hit you in the head?!" I'm thinking retreat might be in order now because she is moving toward me. I gathered up my candles and held them to my chest, preparing to make a break for it, and backing slowly toward the door.

"And did that hurt?" Keith asked quietly. He was all calm and weird.

"Well, yeah, a bit, but not like puke and pass out bad. So, see new helmet, loads better." I'm not sure why, but that doesn't seem to have comforted them any.

"OH MY QUIZNAK!" Pidge was going volcanic and I was so out of there. I had reached the door and took a step back out into the hall and made a break.

"LANCE!" I could hear her yelling as I escaped, but it was not encouraging me to stop. Maybe I would skip supper and come back for a late night snack. I smiled down at my candles. I had something to do anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

The candles were perfect. I turned all of them on and set some around the sill and some on the floor. I was up to twenty three in my shrine count. My favorite was still the first. She smiled at me from her picture and I imagine she would laugh at me like Veronica used to do. Maybe she was a little superior and know-it-all -y, but she was also kind and generous and liked to take care of people. I started calling her B in my head for her blue face marks. She was the only one so far that had that color. The Three Amigos as I called the ones I had found in rooms next to each other I thought might be like me and Hunk and Pidge or at least how we were back at the Garrison. I figured the tall one from the middle room was the reluctant one that had to be talked into and dragged anywhere. The other two were I thought cousins maybe, they looked very similar. Maybe they had grown up with a big family and had gone off to war together. I wondered if the child's drawing had been sent to mom or dad, no an auntie maybe? I made it a point to think about each one of them individually. I wanted them to know I was grateful to them for dying in the war I was now a part of. It was like we were on the same team. I felt connected to them in a way.  
I didn't realize how late it had gotten until the com on my suit pinged.

"Hey, Lance?" Hunk's voice sounded weird in this place.

"What?"

"You okay? You sort of missed dinner, again." Hunk seemed concerned.

"Yeah, well I didn't think I was very hungry and thought maybe Pidge would need some more time to cool down. She was really freaking out." I was not scared of Pidge, I just have a very healthy respect for the gremlin.

"I put some food in the fridge for you." Hunk sighed. "Maybe you would like to hang out tomorrow. I feel like we haven't talked for days."

I brightened instantly, time with Hunk was time well spent. "I would like that, buddy. I have been missing me some time with the best bud in space."

Hunk's laughter filled the room and I thought it was a really nice addition, maybe I would show him this place. I think he would get it.

***

The next morning the alarms went off and we were out in the lions fighting Galra again. This time it seems like we just happened to run into them. Really I suppose it's bound to happen, they are everywhere like freaky purple cockroaches.

I felt Blue's amusement in my mind. We are getting closer I think. She is so vast, like trying to be friends with someone who is completely older, wiser and smarter than you. She and I dove through the fighters taking them out with her tail gun. I have really gotten handy with it, if I do say so myself, and we didn't miss a single one.

"Whooo! Take that!" We swung around for more and I could feel her joy joining mine as we crushed the bad guys.

"Lance, focus, there's another wave coming from your three oclock low." Shiro's calm voice steadied over the radio.

"On it!" Blue and I spun around in a corkscrew and drove back into the next wave.

"Stop screwing around." Keith griped.

"Don't be jealous, Mullet. Someday you and Red can be as awesome as me and Blue!" I howled into the radio as the last of the second wave was destroyed.

"Ion Cannon powering up!" Pidge shouted through the com.

"On it." Hunk answered and Yellow crushed the thing like a tin can.

"Nice!" I shouted for him.

A flash at the corner of my eye caught my attention and I saw another Galra cruiser blink into the fight. Blue and I spun back for it and drove down the side of it with her jaw blade. We were looking the other way when I heard Keith call out.

"Lance, where are you? I need some help here." Now Keith hardly ever asks for help, so Blue and I abandoned the new ship and spun back around to help him. He and Red were basically surrounded by a swarm of fighters. She couldn't get enough room to move to make use of her speed and it was only her extreme agility and Keith's skill that were keeping them from getting demolished right now.

Blue roared and we headed to Keith, we used the tail gun to take out five or six of the ships. Red was able to break from the pack and turned to blast them taking out the rest of the group.

"Go Mullet!" I cheered and turned back to the fight.

"Thanks." He answered awkwardly over the com. The guy is seriously weird. I don't care if he hates me, we are in this fight together and I can cheer for him if I want.

Blue and I turned back to finish the ship that we hard started on when it all went a little sideways. The cockpit lit up and a wave of energy washed through us. It felt like getting burned and shocked and smashed at the same time. Basically it sucked. The next thing I remember is opening my eyes to darkness. Blue was offline and I couldn't feel her presence. I shook my head and tried my coms, but I wasn't getting anything.

"Hey, anyone there?" No answer. I couldn't even tell where we were, I'm guessing floating in space because there is no gravity in here right now. I wonder if the others are still fighting or if something has happened to them. Maybe they can't find me. What if something is bad wrong with Blue?

I reached out my hand to touch the pilot control and tried to contact her in my mind. But there isn't any response. I should have seen that blast coming. I should have finished that ship before I turned back, what was I thinking? I am the worst Paladin in the universe and I've gotten my lion hurt. I refuse to consider any possibility were Pidge and Hunk can't fix her back up, cause they are super geniuses and that's just not going to happen.

"Come on, girl, come back to me." I whispered. I can't explain the fear I'm feeling right now. I let her down, maybe I've let the team down. I don't know what's happening and it's driving me freaking insane!

As I'm preparing to have a mini meltdown in the cockpit, Blue powers back up.

"Oh thank God." I reach out and can feel her in my mind. Pain and regret being the dominant message coming through.

"Hey, anyone there?" I called on the coms again.

"Lance, where were you? I have a fourth ship inbound and I need you to take it out." Shiro called.

Mentally checking with Blue I get the feeling she's ready for a little revenge and we activated her jaw blade and moved to intercept.

After the battle when we were in Blue's hanger I checked her over trying to see how much damage she took. There was some pretty heavy damage on her right side. It was definitely going to need some love from the repair team.

"Hey Hunk," I called on the com thinking I could get him to check out Blue and let me know how bad it was.

"Lance! You are supposed to be on your way to the conference room for the debrief. I don't know why you can't listen." Allura snapped with frustration evident in her voice.  
I paused put off by her tone. I don't remember her saying anything about a meeting, but if I had been concentrating on Blue maybe I just missed it.

"Sorry, Allura, I was just making sure Blue was okay. She's going to need a patch up." I answered. Surely Allura, of all people would appreciate taking care of the lions.

"How did she get damaged? Oh well, it's no matter, just come down for the debrief. Coran can check on her until Pidge and Hunk are available."

"Right away, Princess," Coran answered over the coms.

In the background I could hear Keith saying "he probably ran into something showing off out there."

Fuming a little, because seriously were does that guy get off. I totally, well Blue and I totally saved his ass out there. The least he could do was be a little more grateful. I shook my head angrily and then regretted it as the room spun a little. Wow, must have gotten up too fast. Rubbing my head against the headache that was building I headed for the conference room.


	6. Chapter 6

Well this is one awkward meeting. I think I could live the rest of my life and never do this again. Allura is pouting because, apparently I wasn't listening. I'm pouting because Keith didn't appreciate that I saved his stupid mullet. Hunk kept looking at me like he was afraid I was going to snap. I have to admit I thought about it. I wanted to scream at them, because why was I in the dog house. I had done everything I was asked in that battle. I didn't miss a single order. On top of that my head was killing me and I really wanted someone to check on Blue.

"Are we done?" I asked, for maybe like the third time.

"Lance." Shiro warned. He may have been getting frustrated with me.

"We're done." Allura glared over at me.

"Good." I turned and left. I could hear someone following after me. Hunk managed to catch up even though I was moving pretty quickly.

"Yeah, so, um…you okay?" he seemed hesitant.

"What? Why?" I snapped.

"Well, you seem a little touchy?" he offered tentatively.

"I just want to make sure Blue is okay. I don't know why none of them seem to care!" Okay so maybe I am feeling touchy.

"Hey, they care. I care. Let's go check on her now. Coran is already there. If it was real bad he would have called." Hunk offered sympathetically. I'm sure he had no idea why I was acting this way. I'm not sure why I snapped at him really. "What happened to her anyway?"

"What?" I stopped and stared at him. Was he serious. I thought they were just glossing over the fact I got hit. It never occurred to me that they hadn't noticed. Suddenly I didn't feel so good, my stomach churned and I felt cold.

"Lance?" he stopped and turned to me.

"I'm not feeling so hot, Hunk. I…um…," I swallowed back bile. "I think I ate something that didn't agree."

"Hey, you need to go to the med bay?" Hunk offered.

"No, no I just think I'm going to go lay down. I'm just sick to my stomach. Sorry." I really wanted to go before I puked all over him and turned to head to my room.

"Sure, Okay." I could hear him behind me sounding unsure and as much as I wanted to offer him some sort of comfort the need to find something to barf in was more urgent.

***

It was later in the day when I woke up on the floor of my bathroom. After losing my breakfast, no didn't eat that, lunch, well whatever it was it was gone. After that I just felt so tired and the floor was cold and nice, so I just decided to take a nap there. I managed to get up, annoyed to find the pounding in my head had not stopped. Stupid headache. Stupid and weak, why can't I just be tougher I wondered.

My stomach was feeling better and I thought maybe I should get something to eat. I made my way down the hall toward the kitchen.

"Hey Lance," I heard Pidge come up behind me. "Where have you been?"

"I wasn't feeling well. I took a nap."

"A nap? Seriously? Well we've got Blue all patched up." She patted me on the arm.

I frowned, what was wrong with Blue. I wonder what I missed. Well at least it was apparently okay now. "I'm really glad you are all patched up too Pidge. I was really worried about you."

"Hey, stop worrying about that. It's past." Pidge frowned back.

"Yeah, okay," I ruffled her hair, she hates that. She swatted my hand and huffed off down the hall.

***

When I got to the kitchen the smell of food goo changed my mind. I wasn't hungry. Maybe I was coming down with something. I grabbed a hydration pouch and decided to head out to the shrine room. We didn't generally train on days when we had a battle unless there was something special going on. There was at least two vargas left until supper time and I wasn't looking forward to sitting in a room with Allura anyway. She was pretty ticked when I left the meeting earlier.

I started down a new hall, this one seemed to have a few more occupied rooms than the last couple. It seemed the rooms in this hall were bigger. The first one, I was guessing was an officers room of some kind. There was a bigger bed and desk. Rank had privileges. There was a plaque in Altean on the desk and some sort of uniform hat in the closet. I wondered what this person had been in charge of, maybe back in the day the lions had other air support. Maybe this was the commander of a squadron of fighter type ships.  
The next room was a wreck. Like the bed wasn't made and there were clothes scattered about. Dresses mostly and some type of leggings and tunics. I gathered them up. These could go in the laundry and be used. They actually looked like they would fit Pidge. I wonder what she would think about wearing a dress. I've seen the picture she has of her and her brother, still feel a little stupid for thinking it was her girlfriend cause they look a lot like each other. So I know she wore dresses before. Maybe I'll just drop them off in secret. If she likes them great, if not well then she won't know it was me. I finally found an item to add to the shrine. Under the bed was a wooden box and in it was a dried flower. I wondered if maybe it had been a gift from a suitor. Maybe someone back home had been missing her.

The rest of the hall yielded five more occupied rooms and I had three more pictures, a journal in Altean, and a crystal figurine of a lion to add to the shrine. Once I had everything placed. I stopped and paid my respects for awhile before heading off to the laundry. I had my arms full when I entered the room and didn't see Hunk behind one of the washers until he popped up and scared me.

"Ahhh!" I pretty much tossed the clothes in the air and screamed like a girl. I may still be a little leery of the whole haunted castle thing.

"Sorry, Lance, didn't mean to scare you." He grinned.

"Sheesh, you been taking lessons from Keith?" I swear the universe is out to scare me to death sometimes.

"No, um, what are you doing? New wardrobe?" He picked up one of the dresses. "Not that it wouldn't look good on you, but I think it's a little short." He teased.

"Yeah, yeah, I found them and I was going to wash them up to see if Pidge might want them. I also wasn't going to tell her it was me, so if you could keep it hush-hush?" I gave him my best sad kitty eyes. I know he couldn't resist.

"Sure, Lance, but I don't know why. I'm sure she'd think it was nice you found them for her." Hunk shrugged.

"Or she might not like them and think I was being pushy or something. Don't want to risk bringing down the wrath of the gremlin." I put the clothes in one of the Altean washing machine things. They washed and dried and did it all in like five minutes or dobashes.

"Lance, you worry too much about that stuff, just trust her." Hunk was busy folding his own clothes.

"I just want her to like me, Hunk. There are like only six of us in the whole ship and she at least puts up with me most of the time." I was leaning back against the machine. Having bent down to add the clothes and stood back up too quick had made me really dizzy.

"She does like you. She's your teammate. She was even before we came here." Hunk looked up concerned.

"You can be teammates with people you don't like, heck Keith is a teammate and he hates me." I shrugged trying not to let Hunk see how off I was feeling.

"Keith doesn't hate you."

"Right." Okay the dizziness is getting worse and I had to sit down.

"He doesn't…what are you doing?" Hunk walked over to where I was sitting on the floor.

"Sorry, I stood up too quick earlier and it made me kind of dizzy." I had closed my eyes and was resting my head on my knees. It was helping.

"Okay, that seems a little excessive. Is your stomach still upset? Did you eat? I didn't see you at supper." Hunk was in full mother hen mode.

"Yes and no." The dizziness had passed and I looked up. "But I really just stood up too fast, I'm already feeling better."

"Well that might be part of it, but you need to eat something too. Oh! I have a great idea!" Hunk did that funny little jump thing he does sometimes when he's excited.

"What's the idea?" I smile at him because my bud is seriously fluffy bunny cute when he gets excited.

"Chicken soup! I just found something that I think I can use to make a broth like chicken soup. Come on that might be good for your stomach? Right?" He reached out to help me up.

"Okay, I'll be your guinea pig, but if I puke it might just be me and not your soup." I rubbed my head, it was still hurting, but at least the dizziness was back to tolerable.


	7. Chapter 7

Hunk's soup was actually really good. Not like anything my mom could make, but then chicken noodle wasn't her go to soup. I would kill for a bowl of her ajiaco right now. I shouldn't have thought about it, because now I'm laying in my bed thinking about it and her. She would start a batch cooking in the morning and by the evening meal the whole house would smell like it. It was a lot of work for her, especially with us kids running around the place, but she said all that work put extra love into the stew and made it taste even better.

I can't remember what seasoning she would add at the end. I can see the bottle and her hand, but I can't remember what she added. It is driving me nuts. I can't sleep. It's driving me nuts. My head is killing me. I think maybe it's time to go grab one of those weird Altean aspirin seed things.

I made my way down to the med bay and found the bottle in question. It was one of the few things I knew on sight and Coran had said it was okay to take one for aches and pains so we were free to get one if we needed. A lot of the other stuff hadn't been tested for use on humans or was too strong for us to just use. I took one and grabbed a couple to stash in my room in case this didn't do the trick. Coran said one every twelve varga was okay.

I finally got some sleep, not sure if the pill did the trick or I was just exhausted. When I got up I took a quick shower. I actually fell on my butt in the shower. I must have slipped on something and down I went. I swear I bruised my ass and the fall jarred my headache back into full swing. This was not going to be a fun day.

I managed to get into my armor and down to the kitchen, but everyone was already leaving.

"Lance, training in 10 dobashes. Pick up something quick." Shiro ordered on his way out. Hunk gave me a sympathetic look on his way out.

"There's some biscuit things on the counter and that weird jelly stuff I made in the fridge."

"Thanks!" I picked up a biscuit and nibbled it. My stomach rolled and I decided maybe it wasn't a good idea to eat anyway. I just grabbed a hydration pouch and headed to the training deck.

I felt like turning around and going right back out the door when I saw Keith with the darkened helmet dodging bots.

"Lance, you're up next. You'll direct Hunk for the first round." I moved over and watched Keith dodging around blow after blow. Honestly, I think he was doing more dodging on his own and not really listening to Pidge anyway. Maybe I should have tried that instead, except I'm not a super ninja so it won't work for me.

"Hunk, do you want me to tell you where the blow is coming from or where you should go?" I was helping him up to the area where the bots would be. He already had his helmet on.

"Where to go I think, if you tell me where from, then I have to think where to go, it will be easier if I just follow you." He sounded completely sure that this was going to work.

I was less sure. And two hits in, I'm guessing so was Hunk.

"Lance, I'm not as fast as you, see if you can give me a little more lead."

"Okay, down left. Roll right. Back back." I cringed when the bot brought the staff down on Hunk's hand as he was crawling back. "Stop simulation!"

Hunk was holding his hand and his face was scrunched up in pain.

"I'm sorry, man." I reached over and removed his helmet.

"It's okay, I just didn't move my hand fast enough."

"No, I should have figured it out and angled you back. You already told me to give you more notice. I'm sorry." The pain building up in my head was beyond annoying, it was distracting. I should have seen that hit coming.

"Hunk, can you move your fingers." Coran was there checking Hunk's hand. He didn't find anything broken, but he still wanted to do a scan. Hunk and him left and headed out to the med bay.

"Okay, Lance. Your turn in the helmet and today I'll direct you." Shiro turned back to me and gestured for me to get onto the mat.

Well it was better than having Keith do it I suppose. I put the helmet on and stepped out.

"Left, Down. Right. Back. Jump. Down." I felt like I was doing some weird dance at least up until that down. Down I ducked, but somehow ended up face planting on the mat.

"Ow." I vaguely heard Shiro shutting down the simulation. He was there beside me.

"Hey, buddy, you okay?" He helped me up. I could feel blood dripping from my nose. I felt someone press a cloth in my hand. I pinched the bridge of my nose and leaned forward.

"Yeah" I answered nasally. "I just tripped or something, sorry." My head was spinning like I'd gone five rounds on a tilt a whirl.

Shiro reached over and looked at my face. He searched carefully and finally nodded. "It doesn't look broken."

"Oh, thank goodness. I didn't even think about that. My nose could have been crooked or something." I reached up and patted my face, everything seemed to still be in place.

"Oh sure, we wouldn't want to mess up your face, your brain okay, but not your face." Keith smarted.

I just stared at him. Either I'm that pointless to him or he thought that was funny.

"I can't tell if you are kidding or you're just being really mean right now." I guess my brain to mouth filter is off today cause that just came out.

"I'm joking Lance, why would I…" He just gave me that funny look again and then looked kind of hurt.

"Oh. Okay." I'm not sure what else to say.

"Paladins are you going to continue training?" Allura's voice came over the com.

"Yes, but we are done with this exercise for the day. Set us up with some long range targets, please." Shiro requested.

At the end of the training room several round flying targets floated down from the ceiling.

"Lance, go ahead and take the first round with your bayard. I'll get everyone else set up with rifles." Shiro, Pidge, and Keith headed out to the weapons storage area. While I pulled my bayard which morphed into my gun.

I missed the first three targets, hit one, and then missed four more. I couldn't get my eyes to focus on the sights. The pain was getting worse, I really needed another one of those pills.

"Lance, quit messing around, I know you can shoot better than that." Allura sounded peeved. It's true I shouldn't have missed a single one. I'm lots better at shooting than this. It's like my thing.

"I'm not messing, I can't see straight. I think my nose is swollen or something its messing with my ability to use the sights." I figure go for the sympathy vote, should have known better with Allura.

"Very well, I've activated an obstacle course at level three."

And sure enough the room put up a dividing wall and on the far side was the obstacle course.

"Go run through that since you are unable to participate in this exercise." She really didn't sound like she believed me.

I was dreading the course, on a good day I can make the level three unaided. On a really good day I can get through a four. Today isn't even close to a good day. By the time training is done I have a lot more bruises than just the one on my ass and my face. My head won't stop pounding and I am beyond nauseous. Matter of fact I puked on the last hill, but no one saw me.

Hunk and Coran were back by the time I got over to the others. Hunk had his hand wrapped and was chatting with Shiro.

"Paladins that will be all for today. Keith, excellent work with the teamwork exercise. Pidge, wonderful improvement on your ranged attacks. Keith, you need more work on that. Hunk, I hope you are well." He nodded and she continued. "Shiro, we will need to plan some additional work on understanding team members abilities. As a team, each of us needs to understand our teammates strengths and weaknesses. I think this will aid in the dodging exercise. Lance, your time of the obstacle course was atrocious. Please log in an additional varga of running this afternoon."

The groan I let out was only partially due to her punishment for me.

Hunk caught up with me as I was heading for my room.

"Hey, Lance, where you going? It's lunch time." He stepped up next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"I don't think I'm up for it man. My head's killing me." I gestured toward my nose and let him think it was just from the face plant.

"Oh, well do you need something? I could get you one of those aspirins?" Hunk offered looking concerned.

"Nah, I have one in my room already. I'll just take it and maybe lay down for a bit. After all I've got more running to do this afternoon." I opened the door.

"You should have told her your head was hurting. She might have given you a break." Hunk patted my back.

"She already thinks I'm pathetic, Hunk. Why should I give her more reasons?"

"Lance, she doesn't think you're pathetic. Seriously, buddy, you are so down on yourself lately." Hunk grabbed my shoulders and turned me to him. "Give yourself some credit and give them some credit and a chance to get to know you better."

It's not like he doesn't speak sense. It's just so much harder than he makes it sound. I've always been good with casual relationships, acquittances, working the crowd kind of stuff. Paint on a smile and a laugh and throw on confidence and I'm off like a champ. I love it too, it feels good to be in the middle of everything and everyone with all that noise and action. It's when it gets down to the long term, get to know you really stuff, that everything falls apart. It's like past that first level no one ever really likes the rest of me. I've had as many great first dates as I've had horrible second dates.

I've learned over time that if I want people to like me I've got to keep the act up. This whole let people get to know you thing Hunk's suggesting just doesn't usually work out for me. On the other hand I may not have much of a choice here. We are kind of stuck together like almost all of the time. I sighed.

"Really, Lance. You need to relax. How about I bring you some of that soup later?" He offered looking a little sad.

"I'd like that buddy, it was really good." I gave him a smile and turned to go into my room. As the door closed I slid down to the floor. Maybe I really was getting sick, if this doesn't get better soon, I'm going to have to go see Coran. Once the dizziness reduced to a more bearable level I made my way over to my desk and got one of the seed aspirin things. I dry swallowed it and laid down on my bed. I don't even remember falling asleep.

When I woke up there was a bowl of chicken soup on my desk. Bless Hunk, he is so much better of a friend than I deserve. It tasted good and seemed to set on my stomach without causing more of the nausea. My head's throbbing was back to a bearable level. Maybe I was getting over this whatever it was. I did a few stretches and then headed out to do my running. I liked to do laps around the halls better than the training room. It was just more scenic.


	8. Chapter 8

I made my loop wide enough to finish in the unoccupied area of the ship. I was breathing hard and my time sucked. I know it did, but I just didn't feel up to going faster. By the time I made it to the last hall I had been working in I'd been running for an hour and a half. I should have easily made this run in a varga. I picked it for that reason. Being sick sucks, I wish I felt better.

I walked slowly down the hall double checking rooms I'd already been in, making sure I hadn't missed anything. By the time I made it to new rooms I had caught my breath. The first one was empty, the second had a journal and some kind of fancy pen. I wish I could read Altean, maybe Coran would teach me.

I wonder if I should be like cleaning the blankets and stuff in these rooms. Maybe when I get done checking them all. I close my eyes and wonder how wonderful it would be to have these rooms full of people, to have voices and footsteps in the halls all the time. I wonder if it makes Coran and Allura sad, the quiet, where there should be so much more life. It must. It does me and they weren't even my people.

The next room had a poster on the wall. I wonder if it was an Altean movie or play or something. There is a man holding a woman with a green and purple sunset behind them and what looks like a rocky shore line against a pink sea. That was the last for this hall so I carefully rolled it up and carried it back to the shrine. The poster thankfully had some sort of magnet type thing in the corners so it stuck to the wall just fine. I laid the pen over the journal and added it to the sill. I activated the candles and wondered if the person who had the poster had been a hopeless romantic or an Altean fangirl or both.

"Lance?" Allura's voice echoed and I looked around for her before realizing it was her calling me over my com. I had sat my helmet down on the bench. It never seemed right to wear it in here.

"Sorry, Allura, I didn't read." I slipped the helmet on and left the room.

"Where are you? Have you finished your running?" She sounded annoyed I wonder what I did this time.

"Yes, actually did over a varga." I reported.

"And where did you do this running, because I have been in the training area since lunch and I have not seen you?" Her tone was clipped.

"I actually just ran in the hall Allura, I didn't think it would matter." It's not like I go out of my way to annoy her, I just apparently have some kind of special knack for it.

"Very well, please meet in the training room. I have another team bonding exercise set up." I seriously think she thought I was lying. I don't like training, it doesn't mean I don't do it.  
By the time I got to the training room everyone else was already there. Hunk smiled and waved me over. Pidge nodded politely. Keith frowned. Shiro handed me one of the headset things.

"Okay, Allura wants us to work on getting to know each other's abilities better. So in this exercise we will be pairing up. The headsets are designed to virtually give you your partners body to control." Shiro explained.

"The idea is that each of you will be able to better appreciate the other persons strengths and weaknesses. Knowing each other will help you work as a team." Allura added from the booth.

"Hunk, Pidge you too are together. I will be working with Coran today." Shiro nodded to the advisor who was waiting nearby.

The man in question twirled his mustache and smiled, "It will be an honor to train with Paladins again."

I sometimes wonder what all he has done in his life. I bet there are some good stories he could tell to go with the crazy ones. Oh wait no I just realized that leave me with…  
"Keith you and Lance will be partnered for this exercise."

Oh quiznak, and I thought this wouldn't be too bad.

"Come on mullet, let's see what I can do with your super ninja powers." I sat down and waited for him to join me. Great, cause it's not like he doesn't know I suck already. Maybe he'll be less cranky with me when he realizes that I just suck that much and I'm not messing up on purpose. Catching the frown on his face as he sits down I think maybe not.  
"I'll go first," I offered. He grunted so I guess that was Keith for okay.

It was weird I was standing in the training room, but I was Keith. I looked down at my hands and noticed I was wearing those fingerless things he likes. The hair kept tickling the back of my neck.

"Ugh, now I know what it feels like to wear a mullet."

"Lance focus." I could hear Allura's voice. "I am going to drop a bot down for you to try some hand to hand combat. Keith, you can give him pointers on your body and how to react."

"Well that's weird." The bot dropped down and I fell into a ready stance. It was weird being closer to the ground and I could feel my reaction time was quicker. "You are fast." I couldn't help the compliment slipping from my lips.

"Thanks." he muttered from somewhere.

I went to sweep the legs out from under the bot, but misjudged because of Keith's shorter legs and was short.

"What are you doing?" Keith sputtered as I went flying from the bot's hit.

"Ow, virtual still hurts. Allura is that supposed to hurt."

"It simulates some of the feeling of impact. Your body will not take any damage and the pain will end when the simulation stops." She answered.

"Oh, well that's better. I think." I spun out of the way of the bot again, surprised by Keith's speed. The fight went on for about a varga. Keith's body or not I was not a ninja, so I still got my butt handed to me more than Keith usually did. And virtual or not my real bruises still compounded with the virtual ones to make me feel super sore. Also my left wrist had been killing me since the exercise started and I couldn't remember hurting it.

"What is up with my wrist, it hurts. Is that a weird side effect?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Keith asked and Allura echoed.

"My left wrist hurts and I didn't do anything to it in here and it wasn't hurting before."

"Keith?" Allura asked.

"I may have sprained it a little last night." He offered.

"A little? Geesh man, did you at least get it wrapped?" I was working the hand in question and the grip felt weak.

"No."

"What were you doing?" Allura asked in a kind of knowing voice.

"Training." Keith was very succinct when he was getting in trouble apparently.

"By yourself? Again? Keith, there is a reason you need to train in pairs or at least keep the levels at a minimum if you are alone and let someone know you are here." Allura scolded.

"Right. Thanks Lance." he snarled the last part under his breath.

I didn't bother answering. My head was starting to pound again and the nausea was back.

"Alright everyone, we will now be switching roles." Allura did something and suddenly I wasn't Keith I was looking at my own body standing on the training mat looking around and holding my head.

"Ow, what the quiznak is the matter with you?" Keith sputtered.

"Oh," I guess Keith could feel my headache now like I could feel his sprained wrist. "Sorry, I think the aspirin thing wore off."

"Why do I feel like puking then?" My body kneeled down and I looked a little green.

"Sorry?" I offered.

"Lance, are you ill?" Allura asked in concern or annoyance, I'm not sure which.

"Just some kind of bug, I'm sure I'll be fine. It's not that bad." I added.

"Are you kidding, I feel like crap." Keith offered.

"Oh that's just 'cause it hit you all at once. It's not that bad." I restated. Why was Keith making such a big deal over a little bug. He must be trying to get back at me for getting him in trouble.

"Keith, Lance, please remove the devices from your heads."

As soon as we were out, Keith gave me a crazy look.

"What?" I asked defensively.

"You sure you're alright?" He actually looked like he almost cared.

"Of course."

"Don't be stupid, if you're sick you don't need to be here, you should be in bed." He started again and then I remembered he was pissed at me for getting him in trouble.

"I'm fine."

"You're not."

"Just because you can't take a little headache!" I snarled back. This is ridiculous why can't he just drop it and leave me alone.

"Gentlemen." Shiro admonished from the other side of the training area. "if you are done?"

I bowed by head ashamed I'd missed whatever he said.

"It's time to dismiss. Lance, since you aren't feeling well, you have the rest of the evening off. Keith, report to Coran and get your wrist wrapped." Shiro ordered.

"Hey, why doesn't Lance have to report to Coran?" Keith asked.

"What is your problem man?" I snapped back. Really he's like a freaking dog with a bone. He's determined to get me in trouble some how.

"Lance!" Shiro called over our pending argument. "If you aren't feeling better by evening I want you to report to Coran as well, okay?" he ended with his head inclined.

"Fine." I snapped and headed out the door. Maybe another nap and an aspirin were in order. I hope they didn't see me stagger as I went out the door and the dizziness spiked again.  
I could hear Keith muttering to Shiro as I left. Probably complaining about me some more. I sighed and headed to my room.


	9. Chapter 9

When I woke up from my nap, I still felt tired. How many naps can a person take in a day? I tried another shower and went through my skin routine. Sometimes it helps when I'm feeling sluggish. The fresh scents were helping me feel more awake and soothing my nausea.

I checked my clock and frowned, it was time for the evening meal. It is such a horrible feeling to desperately want to be with people and at the same time to absolutely dread being with the same people.

I decided it was time to suck it up and just get down there. If I didn't I'm sure Shiro would have me down in the med bay. Further proof of my unfitness for this role.

I was nearly to the kitchen when Coran caught up with me.

"Number three, how are you feeling? Better?" he asked concern making his moustache twitch.

Yeah, I'm still kind of tired. Guess I just thought it was a headache from you know getting hit in the head, but maybe I did have a bit of a bug." I answered.

"A bug, what sort of bug causes headache and nausea. Is it an earth bug, are they on the ship?" He started looking around the floor.

I laughed, "No Coran, it's an earth expression for a short, non-serious illness."

"Oh, well, very good then, no bugs." Coran wiped his hands together. The idea of bugs seemed to bother him a lot. I wonder what Altean bugs are like.

I started to walk away when he reached out and grabbed my shoulder.

"Number Three, you can come to me even if it is just a bug as you say. There is no reason for you to feel bad. I might be able to help you know." He seemed sad.

"Okay, Coran, I just didn't want to be a bother."

"You are never a bother, dear boy." Coran pulled me in for a quick hug. It was a shocking moment when I realized how long it had been since I'd had a hug from anyone but Hunk. Hugs were like a daily thing in my house.

"You know, Coran, I'd take one of these every once in awhile. My family are huggers and Hunk puts up with me, but you know, not everyone appreciates being hugged…" I cut off kind of embarrassed because I don't know how to finish.

"Well I do, I also come from a family of "huggers" and I would welcome one anytime you feel the need. Would you also be willing to accept a hug? Sometimes I miss them as well." He answered with as wistful tone.

"You bet!" I gave him my best smile. Honestly this is probably the best moment I've had for days. I gave him another big hug and bounded into the kitchen.

I should have known better than to think it was going to be okay. I bounded right into Keith and dumped his lunch all over him.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Unfortunately I was also laughing, because he had food goo on his nose and in his hair and looked like an angry kitten. I swear his back was arched and he was flipping his hands like little paws. Wow maybe my head's a little off still.

He put his hands on my shoulders and shoved me backwards getting goo on me in the process. I must have slipped on something because I ended up sitting on my butt on the ground and damn that was already bruised.

"Ow." I mutter and there were not tears in my eyes, really not, I don't care what anyone thinks they saw.

"Keith, not cool!" Pidge rushed over to help me up.

"I didn't even push you that hard," Keith muttered looking embarrassed.

"Hey, I must have slipped. My bad really, it's okay Pidge, thanks." I looked over at my green protector who was glaring at Keith. Maybe she does more than tolerate me. Maybe she is my friend.

"Yeah, well quit being so clumsy," she ducked her head, seemingly embarrassed for her reaction.

I managed to get up, but realized I was covered in food goo from Keith's hands and the stuff on the floor.

"And I just got out of the shower." I sighed. The smell was already making my stomach turn. I needed to get it off now. "Oh well you can never have too many showers."

I turned to leave.

"Lance you didn't have anything to eat yet." Hunk called.

"I'll get something later Hunk. I need to clean up before this stuff turns hard and won't come off." I have no idea if food goo will do that or not, but it seems like it might and I don't want to risk it.

***

Later after my shower and another aspirin, I made it down to the kitchen and got myself some goo. I was sitting at the counter when Shiro came in.

"Hey, Lance, glad to see you are feeling better. Keith was really concerned."

"Oh yeah, well fine now." I waved my spoon at him. Wimpy Lance here, all better.

I finished my goo and started to head out. My headache was getting worse and I didn't feel like chatting about all that I had done wrong.

"Lance?"

"Yes?"

"We need to talk."

And you know I really might have snapped at that point. "We really don't. I don't need to hear about how I'm not good enough or how I messed up or how I need to do better. I just don't really need to hear any of it right now. You think I don't know? You think I don't know I'm the worst Paladin? You think I don't know that I could have gotten Pidge killed? I am so over everyone else's need to "talk"" And yes the air quotes went flying again. I pretty much stormed off or more accurately ran away at that point. Fairly cowardly, I would say, but my stomach had decided the food goo wasn't actually a good idea.

Somehow I was in my room again, losing what I had just eaten. It sucked. I washed my face and looked in the mirror. My eyes were squinted from the headache and I was pale, not a good look for me. I sighed and moved into my room, guess letting bots hit you in the head really was a bad idea, new helmet or not.

I walked over to my desk. There was a picture there of my family. I stared at it. There was something wrong. Something wrong with the picture, because I couldn't remember where it was taken. I couldn't remember what we were doing that day. I couldn't be forgetting them. I have never felt so hollow and lost. How could I forget? What kind of person am I?

I couldn't stop the tears that started and the crying only made the pounding in my head worse. My heart was thudding against my chest trying to deny it, trying to find the memory somewhere, but I just didn't remember. I yelled, so mad at myself, and smashed my arm across my desk throwing bottles on the floor, some of them smashing against the wall.

I needed to get out of here. Clutching the picture to my chest I wiped my tears and headed out of the room. I needed to go someplace to think. I was heading to the abandoned areas of the castle when I heard a door open. Keith stepped out of the training area. I seriously wonder if that guy knows where any other room in the castle is.

He's standing there kind of staring at me.

"What?!" Geez what is his problem.

"You okay?" he's still got that look like I've got goo on my face or something.

"Why would you even care?"

"What?"

"Seriously, why do you even ask? It's not like you don't hate me. Just leave me alone Keith." I turned and headed off to my destination. He was sputtering something behind me, but I really wasn't in the mood to hear him.

I made it to the Shrine and started putting the lights of the candles on. I sat my family's picture on the sill. I remembered sometimes people who were missing were also added to shrines, not just people who had died. I guess actually I was the one who was missing.  
I looked around and realized I didn't have my helmet with me. Why didn't I have my helmet? Oh right, Coran was working on it.

"Hey B," I spoke to her picture. "I'm not having a great day, you know."

"I know." I heard her voice whisper. "I understand."

"You do? I don't think I do." I laid down on the bench. My head was pounding like crazy now. I wonder if Coran has any stronger aspirin.

"You should go to him. He would help you," her voice was really soothing.

"I don't know, maybe later. I don't want to bother him again. He's like the only one other than Hunk that likes me. I don't want to mess that up. Too much Lance is not a good thing for most people." I stared at the crystals in the ceiling watching the lights drift across them, they were beautiful.

"That's not true. You don't give them a chance."

"They don't like me, I bother them."

"They do like you. They don't all understand you." she was an insistent voice in my head.

"They hate me, at least Keith and Allura do."

"They don't hate you. You need to trust them. You need to talk to them. You need them." she coaxed and I knew she was right.

"Yeah, but do they need me?" I closed my eyes. I could hear her telling me to wake up, but I couldn't stop my eyes from drifting shut.


	10. Chapter 10

"B?" I opened my eyes. The room looked different, it was brighter. Looking outside the window, there was a meadow with flowers. That's weird, when did we land?

"Lance?" She was sitting there next to me, had she been there a minute ago?

"Hey, B, where are we?" I feel disoriented something isn't right.

"Come with me I have much to show you." She reached out her hand for mine.

Her hand was smooth and warm when I grasped it. She gave me a playful smile and tugged me up to my feet. She is like super strong. I sometimes forget how much stronger Alteans are.

"Where are we going?" I asked as she drug me out into the hall of the castle?

"There are things I want you to see." She smiled again and pulled on my arm. The castle was different, brighter, cleaner, newer maybe?

She drug me from one hall to another and stopped in front of a door. I recognized it as hers, this was where I had found her picture, the first one.

"B? How are you here? How am I here?" I'm a little concerned at this point because this doesn't make sense.

"You are here. Come?" She shrugged and held open the door for me.

I'm thinking this is the trippiest dream I have ever had, but might as well roll with it. So I walk through the door. Her room is full, like lived in full of stuff. She has a million bottles of who knows what on her table. There are clothes hanging off of the chair and a soft sent in the air something almost orange vanilla.

"This is where I lived. But my name is not B, why do you call me that?" she gave me a curious look.

"Oh um, your facemarks are blue, I hadn't seen any other pictures with Alteans with that color, so B for blue." I'm a little embarrassed I didn't expect to have to explain my nickname for her.

"Ah, okay, my name is Ella, I was a…hmm….I'm trying to find the right word in your language…medic? I think. An emergency medical worker who would go into battle with the soldiers and aid the wounded." Her frown was adorable and she smiled openly when she found the word she wanted.

"How do you speak English anyway?"

"Oh, from you, the language is yours, or at least one of yours." She answered. "There was only one language on all of Altea, some different words here and there, but just one language. It is fascinating that your world has so many." She walked around her room straightening things as she talked. She picked up a bottle.

"I had so many hair products, Crista used to make such fun at my expense."

"Who's Crista?"

"My best gal pal," she smiled again wistfully. "We used to get into such mischief. She was a nurse in the infirmary of the castle. One night we snuck out with a bottle of Nunvil and went dancing in a little village just south of the main city. They were having a harvest party." She started dancing and reached out to me, "Dance with me, Lance?"

I couldn't resist and we spun around her room laughing.

"Is Crista the girl in the picture with you?" I asked as we twirled in a complicated rhythm. I was really enjoying this dance.

"Yes. Would you like to meet her?" Ella looked up at me and smiled, "Would you like to meet all of them?"

Suddenly she was gone, the room was gone, and I was standing in that field I had seen outside of the castle. I pinched my arm, this dream is getting out of hand, but I didn't wake up and it hurt.

"Ouch." I rubbed the mark I had made on my arm.

"Well, don't hurt yourself, silly." A light voice called from behind me. I turned and there was the girl with the short white hair, Crista. She was frowning at me and came over to look at my arm. "Hmm…no harm done then."

"It hurt," I didn't appreciate the tone, seriously did she have to be so snarky.

"Well then don't do it again." She offered flippantly.

"I thought you were a nurse, aren't you supposed to take care of people?"

"Taking care of people does not mean coddling them. You should know better than to pinch your arm, and if you had really been hurt I would have taken care of you. Now, what are you doing here anyway, stuck in your mind." She turned and looked at me somberly.

"Is that where I am? I'm in my head? How did I get here? How do I get out?" Okay so that's a little panic worthy I think.

"I don't know, but panicking won't help." So I guess she didn't find it panic worthy.

"This has never happened to me before. How does this happen?" I sit down in the flowers. They feel real, they smell real, how am I in my head.

"I suppose there are lots of ways, have you been across any magic lately? It can go haywire. I once saw a person turned into a Yarstokian Boliveer. There was so much fur!" Her eyes crinkled and she laughed. It was a lovely sound, like something rare and special that didn't happen all the time.

I couldn't help but laugh with her and at the same time I'm wondering why I'm laughing because I should be more worried. Suddenly, I wanted to know more about her. Why I was here didn't matter so much. "Why are you a nurse?"

"I want to help people," her eyes were like emeralds, so deep green and sparkling. "I'm not actually good with people, I tend to be abrasive." She chuckled to herself. "But sometimes abrasive can be motivating and I'm really good at pushing people to do better. I worked mostly with people in our rehabilitation area, overcoming wounds that couldn't be healed even with the cryopods."

"What wounds can they not heal, they seem pretty miraculous to me?" I mean I was pretty close to dead and then all better within a few varga.

"Missing limbs, missing eyes, sometimes a deep enough wound will not be completely sealed…not everything can be fixed back to the way it was." Her eyes were thoughtful.

I couldn't help but picture soldiers from home, even Iverson with his eye, "Did that happen a lot in the war?"

"Even one is too many, but yes, it happened far too often." She turned and picked a flower and handed it to me. "However, with effort one finds a way to continue, adapt, and move forward."

"You make it sound easy." I wondered if maybe there was some magic Altean way to recover from those wounds.

"Well it's not, it takes hard work and effort. Change is hard Lance, it doesn't happen without pain. It doesn't happen without trying and pushing and taking chances." She looked right into my eyes and suddenly I had the impression she wasn't talking about her patients anymore.

"I don't know what you mean." I look down at the flower, it is really beautiful, delicate and pink. I might have an inkling what she means, I might just not want to talk about it.

"You need to give your team a chance to get to know you. You need to reach out to them. You need to stop being a coward and hiding behind that fake smile." She grabbed my chin and lifted my face up to look her in the eye. "You are more than that."

"Abrasive, huh? I can think of some other words." My anger flared and I jumped up. Why was she calling me a coward. My heart thudded in my chest.

"You are afraid. What are you afraid of?" She asked intensely.

"I'm not afraid! What is your problem, I'm not your patient?" I snarled and stepped back.

"Patient or not you need help and this is how I help people." She stated stepping forward.

"You help by being hateful, oh good call."

"I do not hate you Lance. Neither does Keith or Allura, no matter what you think. What are you afraid of?!" She yelled at me and I yelled back.

"I'm afraid they'll see I'm not good enough to be a Paladin! I'm afraid they won't even like me! I care too much about this to lose it!"

She smiled softly, "Then don't lose it. Fight for it. Fight, Lance. Don't you feel it? You're dying."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Keith is cranky that Lance is the only one getting to talk and has hijacked this chapter

I don't know what just happened. I was training and then there was Lance in the hall. Only he looked horrible, he was pale and I swear he'd been crying. Crying! That was not right, I don't care what Shiro said we can't just keep giving him space something is very wrong.

I ran down the hall to the kitchen where I knew Shiro had been going earlier. He was there with Allura and Coran.

"Something is wrong with Lance. I know you said to give him some space, but he said I hated him. I don't hate him!" I mean he annoys me sometimes, but I don't hate the guy. Why would I hate him?

"We were just discussing what to do Keith. I just called Pidge and Hunk on the coms, they are on their way. Do you know where he went?" Shiro asked.

"I know which direction he went from the training room." I offered.

"Okay, I also had a disturbing conversation with him. Did you know Blue had been hit with an ion cannon in the last battle?" Shiro looked at me like maybe I would have answers.

"What? No, that's not possible, when would that have happened? How would you know that?" There's no way Lance wouldn't have said something. Not if Blue was hurt…but then he had been worried about Blue at the last debrief.

"When I repaired her, I knew what the damage was from, it never occurred to me to say anything about. I just assumed you all knew already." Coran responded sadly.

Pidge and Hunk came running through the door. Hunk was out of breath, "What? What's wrong?"

"Do either of you know where Lance is?" Allura asked calmly.

"No." They answered in unison.

"Okay, so let's go find him already. I'm telling you something is wrong, I have a bad feeling. I told you after training something was wrong, that was more than a cold." I'm over going with the flow here, I know something is wrong. I mean KNOW and I want someone to listen to me.

"What do you mean? What's wrong?" Hunk looked panicked.

"I just saw him in the hallway and he said I hate him! I don't hate him. Why would he think that?! Obviously something is wrong with him!" Oh Quiznak these people talk too much.

"Oh." And the way he said it quiet like caught my attention. I've missed something. Hunk knows something.

"No. That's normal, Keith. He really thinks you hate him." Hunk answered frowning slightly.

"WHAT?!" I don't hate him.

"He does, sorry." Hunk shrugged.

"I don't understand." I really don't. I don't get people. I mean I wouldn't talk to him if I hated him. We had a bonding moment and everything.

"He's actually not that good at making like long term friends, I guess? He doesn't trust people very easily. He's really kind of hard on himself and thinks everyone else is going to be too. I don't know. I mean, you know how it was at the Garrison right? He was always getting yelled at." He looked at me and Pidge for confirmation and while she nodded, I just really don't remember.

"Anyway, so he thinks Keith hates him because they clash so much. He thinks Allura hates him because he doesn't think he's doing well enough as a Paladin." Hunk stared at his hands. "He said I'm the only one that likes him here, except maybe Coran." He smiled up at Coran and Coran smiled back sadly. "I know if he'd just be himself and relax he'd be fine, but he just thinks it's going to make it worse."

Hunk looked apologetically at Pidge and Shiro, "I mean he said you guys tolerate him now, but he's afraid you wouldn't if he was more himself. So he doesn't tell people stuff, he just lets you think whatever you want and tries to make people happy. I've been trying to talk him into talking to you guys and I think I was making progress, but I guess not fast enough. I'm sorry." Hunk looked incredibly guilty.

"What kind of stuff has he not been telling us and you're serious, I tolerate him? I thought we were friends." Pidge looked offended.

"Okay, well like the time you got hurt in that battle? He didn't go the way Shiro ordered because he saw the ion cannon charging and aiming at me. He took it out so I wouldn't get hit."

"I thought it was something like that, but he wouldn't tell me." Shiro shook his head.

"You thought? You let me yell at him like that and you knew?" Okay, what kind of bro does that.

"I thought he would react and tell the truth, but it didn't work. He just let everyone, even Pidge, think it was his fault." Shiro looked guilty now.

"So is that when he was injured?" Allura asked. "When did he get hurt? Obviously something happened if the pain Keith felt in the exercise wasn't just a cold. Is that when Blue was hit with the ion cannon?"

"No, Blue wasn't hit and he was fine after that battle." Hunk answered.

"Maybe when he tested the helmet?" Pidge offered. She was quieter than usual probably processing the new info, I know I was.

"What testing?" Shiro and Coran asked at nearly the same time.

"Well, he let a training bot hit him in the head to see if it would knock him out again." I answered and Shiro looked like he was going to smack me.

"He what? He told all of you this?" Shiro looked at three of us and we all nodded. "And none of you thought to say something?"

"He was making jokes about it." Pidge defended.

"He said it hurt, but not like the other. He said he didn't pass out or get sick." I would have turned him in if I thought he'd been concussed.

"Okay, so that's probably not it. Let's go back to the damage on Blue. Did any of you see her hit during the last battle?" Allura asked and we all shook our heads no. "Did you know she was hit with an ion cannon?" Again with the negative shakes.

"He was really irritated at the meeting and wanted us to check on her. Do you think he thought we knew?" Hunk offered. He looked nervously at Allura, she'd been pretty pissed at Lance at that meeting.

"He was off during the meeting, angry." Allura looked thoughtful.

At this point, my brain has pretty much exploded from waiting. I'm not good at waiting.

"You know what? You can all ask him when we find him! I am telling you my gut says find him now!" I turned to leave. They can chat if they want; I am feeling nearly panicked at this point and sitting still is no longer an option. I've learned that ignoring this feeling ends badly. I've only felt it this bad once before, and that was the day my dad died.

I ran down the hall and I could hear them following, but it didn't matter at this point. I had to hurry. I don't know why but I know I'm out of time. I ran past the training area and into the part of the castle that isn't used and is powered down. It was dark, but somehow I knew exactly where I was going, like something was telling me where to go. Kind of like back in the desert when I found Blue. I rounded corner after corner. Thankfully I still had my armor on from training so the lights on it made it not pitch black. I could hear voices echoing in my helmet.

Then I could see flickering lights up ahead and for a minute I thought something was on fire. There was an open door and I plowed in. There he was lying on a bench in a room full of stuff and candles?

"Lance?" I moved over to him and he didn't even flinch.

"Lance?" I touched his shoulder. Nothing. I shook his shoulder. Nothing.

"Lance?" My hand trembled a little when I reached out to check his pulse. I couldn't breath or anything until I finally felt a thud against my fingers. He was alive. "Lance?" I shook him again and he still didn't wake up. This was so wrong. So surreally wrong sitting here by him surrounded by candles and pictures like a memorial service or something and that memory was one I didn't need right now - my father's casket surrounded by pictures and flowers and candles.

"Shiro!" I couldn't even think. This couldn't be real.

"Keith?" Shiro was out of breath as he spun around the corner. I looked up at him terror in my heart.

"He won't wake up. He's alive, but he won't wake up." I am not freaking out or crying I don't care what Shiro says.


	12. Chapter 12

"What do you mean I'm dying?" I spun around, but the field of flowers was gone replaced by metal halls and machinery, like I was deep in the bowels of the castle. "Crista?"

She was gone. I looked around some. There were a lot of vents that opened into this area. They looked like dark caves.

"Hello?" I asked. I wonder why I'm here. "Ella? Crista? Anyone there?" So great I'm dying. I wonder why. Maybe I'm not really dying and this is a nightmare. Weird Altean nightmare, right, that's it, just too much alone time. I want to believe that, but I don't. She was right I could feel it.

"What are you doing here?" There were shiny round circles reflecting in one of the tunnels.

"Pidge?" It looked like her glasses, but the voice was wrong.

"That's not much of an answer. Are you looking for someone?" The voice came closer. The reflections were from goggles that the person had pulled on top of their head. Their body was completely covered in slick black fur, the hands had what looked like a second thumb opposite the first. They had soft fuzzy ears, on top of their head, like cub ears on a bear. Their head had mid-length black hair that stuck out at all kinds of angles. There were deep green face marks and emerald green eyes. They were wearing a soft green tunic and brown leggings. No shoes though, and their furry feet landed on the ground next to him. They were only about four feet tall.

I was staring at them. I know it, but I've never seen anyone like them.

"You're so…"

"If you say cute, I will cut you." they growled and the pointy teeth did offset the cute factor a little.

"I was going to say beautiful. Is that better?" I offered taking a step back.

"Yes, I will accept that. I'm Max." a paw was extended in greeting. I took it in mine and was surprised by the feeling of pads on the bottom of their hand.

"Nice to meet you Max. I'm Lance. Do you know where we are?"

"The Castle of Lions," they tilted their head sideways at me. "I'm working on some repairs to the ventilation system."

"So, you're Altean?" Okay, maybe it was rude, but I have never seen anyone like them before.

A snort of laughter sounded as they covered their mouth, "Half. I'm half-Altean, half-Burbear. I grew up here in the castle. Most people do not approve of my heritage."

"Why?" I mean really pointy teeth aside they seemed nice enough.

"Burbears are known to be aggressive. It's not a trait most Alteans find appealing. Between you and me they can be kind of stuffy. But again, I ask why are you here, Lance?" Their eyes were so intense when they met mine.

"I don't know." I think they mean more than just this place in the ship.

"You're dying and you're hanging out with me in the vents. It's not that I don't appreciate you trying to keep my memory alive or anything, because I do and Pidge is totally welcome to any clothes I left behind. It's just your team, they are looking for you." They faded away with a smile like the cheshire cat.

"Lance!" I don't even know where I am, it's all dark, but I could hear a voice calling my name. Was that really Keith? Great I'm must be dying wrong and he's come to tell me how to do it better.

"That's hardly fair, now is it son." An Altean man in a decorated uniform stood in front of me. I looked around and I was on some sort of training field outside of the castle. There were other Alteans in uniform, marching or sparing or running in different areas around me.

"No. I guess it isn't."

"Don't guess son. You know it isn't." He looked down at me with stern grey eyes. His facemarks were red and his skin darker than Allura's. He had gray hair and a stubbly beard.

"Yes sir." I couldn't help, but snap to attention. I guess the garrison did ingrain some things into me.

"That's better." A smile twitched at his lips. He took his cap off and reached out to cuff the back of my head. "Don't be so formal. You're not one of my soldiers. What brings you here?"

"I don't know sir, I need to get back to my friends. I don't know how I got here, but something is wrong and I need to get back to them." It is becoming more clear that I need to focus on getting back. I'm not ready to check out just yet.

"And these friends? Who are they? Maybe I can help you?" He walked over to a bench and sat down and patted the spot next to him.

"Well, it's weird, cause I'm like from the future I guess? My friends are in the castle, but we are the only ones that live there, just the seven of us. Well and the mice too, but they're kind of an oddity."

"Are you friends Altean? I see that you are not." He looked at me curiously. "Such odd ears, almost like a Burbear, but in the wrong place."

"Allura said they were hideous." I blushed at the memory that still stung. I'm not arrogant exactly, but I do take a certain pride in my appearance.

"Oh, well I don't know about that, but certainly not Altean." He paused waiting for me to answer his question.

"Allura and Coran are Altean. The rest of us are human. We found them and the castle, well Blue did more accurately."

"Blue? The lion?" Now I had his attention for sure.

"Yeah, I'm the Blue Paladin where I am from."

He nodded, a thoughtful look on his face. "So that doesn't bode well for my people. Perhaps you can tell me more about your friends?"

"Well Hunk, he's my best friend, is the Yellow Paladin. He's great. The most kind-hearted and understanding guy you could ever meet. Coran is, I guess, Allura's advisor and the castle expert. He keeps it running and knows all sorts of things about the universe and the Lions and I think just about everything."

"Coran? Does he have orange hair?" He asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Yes."

A loud laugh answered this time. "Little Coran, that boy is always underfoot in the castle, crawling around the ducts and getting into everything. Last week we had to pull him out of the waste system as he had accidently fallen into it."

I couldn't help the smile on my face for that one. I am so going to have to ask Coran about it when I get back, if I get back.

"So what about the others? Who is the green Paladin?"

"Pidge, or Katie, she's a complete genius. I mean like the smartest person I have ever met, which is something because Hunk is crazy smart too. She's younger than the rest of us, but like super tough, just the other day she got hit in Green and bounced back like nothing." I couldn't stop the flare of guilt at the memory.

"And how did she get "hit" as you say?" He looked at me with concern.

"I was supposed to be covering her. I messed up and she got hurt." I answered with my head bowed. I was embarrassed to tell him this. He seemed like a military man of some experience and I seem like a total failure in that department.

"I see. So what were you doing instead?" He didn't act judgey or angry just seemed to be collecting facts. So I told him about Hunk and the ion cannon and what had happened. He nodded a few times and then turned to me a half smile on his lips.

"You did make a mistake Lance, but it is not the one you think you made."

"What? I'm sorry, but if that was supposed to make sense I missed something." I mean is he Yoda or what.

"I am Commander Hobkin of the First Royal Defense Squadron. We are an elite fighter groups, specially trained to support Voltron in battle. I command thirty fighters. It is my job to coordinate attacks on the battlefield between all of them and still keeping an eye on what Voltron is doing and defending the castle. I make the last minute calls on the field that can determine the outcome of a battle."  
I nodded, so yeah, very important military man.

"Do you think I can see what everyone is doing all the time?"

"What? No?" I mean thirty fighters, how could he.

"You are right, I rely on my people to feed information to me, give me the details going on around them. Do you see that soldier there, the one with the long hair that just fell on her face?" he pointed across the field.

I looked over to see her dusting herself off and a couple of others helping her up. "Yeah?"

"Do you think I saw the rock she tripped over?"

"No, I mean you would have said something if you did, right?"

"Yes, right." He nodded sagely.

"I'm sure you have a point, but I'm not getting it." I am so not following him right now.

"When you saw the ion cannon powering up, why didn't you tell your commander?" He was still looing off across the field, watching the soldier.

"I thought he'd already know, I mean he is like sooo much better than I am." It's true Shiro is a rockstar.

"And what if I told you he didn't know, that he would never have instructed you to leave the Yellow Paladin in the line of fire? What if I told you he didn't see that ship that hit you and Blue with the ion cannon? He is a very good leader, Lance, but he cannot make the best decisions without all of the information. You must trust him and yourself enough to talk to him. You see things during a battle that others don't and he needs that information. When you know you've trusted him with everything you see, then you'll know he's giving you the best order with everything he sees added. Don't hamstring his efforts to lead you, by holding back. A leader cannot lead someone who does not trust them."

"But I do trust Shiro, he's my hero. I mean he's awesome, how could I not?"

"Then why didn't you tell him, even after the battle you didn't let him know what really happened. He sought you out and asked?" The grey eyes were sharp as flint looking into me.

"I don't know. I didn't do what he said, I just thought he knew and told me to go and I didn't do it and…I should have followed orders and I didn't. I knew I did something wrong. I guess I just assumed I knew what he was going to say and he didn't need to. I was already aware of how I failed." I tightened my fists and drove my nails into the flesh of my hands, I am so not going to cry here.

"You didn't trust him to help you. You didn't trust that he would listen to you. You trust his military leadership, his ability as a warrior, but not his friendship. You haven't trusted any of them, other than Hunk, enough to let down your guard and really become a part of your team. You are holding back a part of yourself and by doing so you are hurting yourself and the team. You are stronger together. You are meant to be together." His grey eyes faded and in their place were huge glowing yellow eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

"Blue?" No one else I knew had eyes quite that big.

"Yes," Her voice echoed in the whiteness I was floating in now.

"What's going on Blue, am I dying?" I don't want to die.

"I do not want you to die either. You are hurt. Your team is taking you to be healed, but they are confused about how you are hurt." She was searching for words, I thought, in my head. It was kind of weird.

"Yes, weird. I have not spoken this way before. Your brain is not functioning properly. It is slow and I was afraid." She confessed and I could feel her fear flowing through me.

"So, still dying." I couldn't help the shiver of fear. I've been too close to death already in this adventure. It kind of sucks to be so close again. I wonder if that just proves that I'm not good enough to be out here.

"Stop." She growled. I mean like I literally heard a growl in my head. "I would not have chosen you if you were not good enough." She spat the last part like it was completely untrue.

"Blue, you are so amazing and strong. You deserve someone who is a better fighter, a better teammate, a better person." I'm thinking maybe I can make her see reason.

"I am amazing and strong and so are you!"

"I'm not Blue, it's nice of you to say, but I just don't believe that." I love her, but I'm not who she thinks I am.

"I have reasons. You say you are not a good fighter, but we are the best team at hitting fighters, you are very proficient with the rifle your bayard becomes and you see things on the battlefield that others miss. Are these not the characteristics of a good fighter?"

"Yeah but I suck at hand to hand, heck Pidge can kick my butt."

"You don't have to be good at everything, you are a part of a team. Work with your teammates, you all need each other. You say you are a bad teammate, but you would willing sacrifice yourself for others. You have been hurt to protect others. To protect Coran you stepped in front of a bomb, to protect Keith you left yourself exposed to an ion cannon, you let yourself be hit in the head." Her amused frustration was evident in the last part.

"I'm not good at letting people get to know me or getting to know them. It makes sense to put myself out for my teammates, because they are all so much better than me. I just don't even get why they put up with me when I annoy them and just screw things up."

"Who has told you that you are annoying or that you only screw things up?" Blue growled. "I will find these people and assure them of their error in judgement."

Her angry defense of me was more surprising than her words. I mean, I know she's a warrior, but usually she feels so laid back, I didn't know she was a mama bear in there.

"Mama bear?" I could feel her digging around for the meaning in my head. "Yes, but not bear - lion - lioness. I will defend those I care about, just like I demand a paladin who will as well. Just like you have proven that you will." Her smug tone was amused, like I'd made her point for her.

"I still think you can do so much better Blue, who am I? I'm nobody. Just a poor boy from Cuba. I was barely even in the fighter class at the Garrison. I'm like a fifth rate nobody." I can feel her disappointment.

"My Paladin, why did you choose to build the shrine?" I knew she was talking about my shrine room and the items I had collected, not sure why our conversation had changed direction, but oh well.

"Because I didn't want them to be forgotten. I wanted someone to remember them. To remember everyone that had fought in this war already. If I was the only one to remember them, that was at least something."

"And did you only chose those that were important?" She questioned again.

"They are all important, that was the point. They all deserved to be honored." I thought she understood.

"And you are concerned that you are a bad person a nobody? No one with a heart like yours is bad and no one with such goodness is nobody. You are precious, my paladin, my cub." She purred in my mind like a housecat.

"Cub?" I felt her amused love. Real love, she really loved me.

"I was so glad when you began to gather them together and think of them. I remember so many being in the castle. It made me proud that you chose to honor them."

"Was that how I met them? Are those your memories?" I'm like twilight zone shocked, but it kind of made more sense than time travel.

"Yes, my memories, I used them to create them in your mind. I wanted to keep your mind active, working, until your friends found you."

"So you knew all of them Blue, every one?" I was fascinated.

"Not all, and not all as well as some. My sisters remember others. Together we remember all."

"So Ella, Crista, Max, Commander Hobkin, you knew them?"

"Yes, Ella saved my paladin once. He was badly injured. He had managed to climb into the pilots seat, but he couldn't get out. She came in and helped him. She talked to him and soothed his pain. She talked to me, told me that she would care for him. She comforted us both." Blue's memories of her played out in front of me like on a screen.

"Crista, was the one who got my paladin back to me. His injuries left him weakened on his right side. His arm and leg did not function properly. He was frustrated and angry. He felt I should choose another paladin, that he was not worthy." I wasn't so ignorant as to miss her long pause in the story here. "But Crista, pushed him. Yelled at him even, challenged him and he responded. By the time he was back to himself he cared very deeply for her."

"While Crista repaired my paladin, Max repaired me. I could feel them crawling around here and there, muttering and mumbling. They amused me greatly. Their mind was so quick and sharp, but I could feel their loneliness. They felt they did not fit, that the others would not approve of them because of their genetics. Their mind was shuddered so I could not soothe them directly, but I could bring others to them. I used the computer system to assign another engineer to work on something with them one day. I summoned a fighter pilot to my hanger, but he was not given a reason and he wondered around confused until they were forced to talk with him. I'm not sure they realized I was behind it, but soon I found them bringing others with them. I saw others seeking them out. Soon Max had their place and people and their loneliness faded."

"Commander Hobkin was a brave and noble warrior. He was a brilliant leader who took the time to know each soldier in his command. He also took the time to understand me and my sisters, he knew how to work with us and around us. His specialty, though, was the hard cases. The warriors no one else wanted, the ones that didn't exactly fit he perfect model. He could take the supposed worst warriors on all of Altea and blend them into perfect teams. I find that your black paladin has many of his same talents."

"I get it Blue. I know what I need to do, but to be honest I'm a little afraid. I don't want to mess this up. I love being a paladin, even though I don't think I'm great at it. I want to be great at it though, and I'm willing to fight for it. And I know I need to let the team in more, but so many times people get to know me and realize they don't like me. What if they don't like the rest of me?" My head is starting to hurt again and I feel thinned out, weak.

"Then it would be to their loss, but I know my sisters and I know the people they would chose. They will as you said like the rest of you. You are meant to be together. You are all chosen to be parts of the whole. You all have roles to fill. My sisters have chosen as well as I have." Blue's voice was getting quieter.

"What's happening?" I feel like I'm falling. I can't see anything other than the white.

"You are about to go into the healing device. You have done well. We have kept your mind safe while your team has worked to save your body." Blue answered somewhat smugly, clearly pleased with herself.

"Thank you, Beautiful!"

"You are most welcome, my cub. Sleep, rest well while your body heals." Blue's eyes faded away and the whiteness turned to black.


	14. Chapter 14

I felt myself wake up slowly. I was cold and dizzy. I blinked my eyes and felt something move in front of me. Then there was warmth and Hunk.

"Hey, I got you," He wrapped a warm blanket around me. "You okay?"

Am I? I had to think about it for a minute. Cold, yes. Hungry, yes. Headache, gone. "Yeah, I feel good."

"So like really good, or sort of good, or you're totally lying to me good?" Hunk asked looking intently into my eyes.

"No headache, no nausea, I'm cold and hungry." I meet his gaze evenly.

"Okay," He pulled me in for a tighter hug. "Let's get you warmed up and then off for food."

I leaned into his hug and rested my head against his shoulder, "Thanks for always being here for me."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

"Putting up with stubborn friends who don't listen to your good advice?" I may have blushed, but I really owed him this apology and since I've embraced this whole turning over a new leaf and being more open thing I might as well start with the easiest one.

I could feel him take in a deep breath and then he started laughing. The infectious kind that I can't help but join.

"I love you. I never put up with you. I would do anything for you and I happen to know you'd do anything for me." He squeezed a little tighter. I swear I'll never be as open as Hunk, but he's a pretty good example to work toward.

I realized we were the only ones in the med bay. Now, the coward part of me is pretty good with it, but the rest of me needs to see the rest of the team. "Where's everyone else?"

"We decided I would meet you. They all want to talk with you and they have some questions, but we weren't sure how you'd feel when you got out and we didn't want to overwhelm you." Hunk released me from the hug. My legs weren't wobbly anymore and I was feeling closer to chilly and less frozen. "Are you ready to go get something to eat? The pod seemed to think you hadn't eaten in days?"

"Yeah." I felt a little guilty, I hadn't been very honest with Hunk lately. "I tried to eat, just didn't stay down very good. Except your soup! Your soup was awesome. And since we're going with confessions here, the last few days are kinda of jumbled in my head, so I might not be able to answer all your questions."

"Funny how a skull fracture and swelling in your brain will do that." Hunk swatted my shoulder.

"Oh." I'm not sure what to say to that, cause skull fracture? When did that happen? "I didn't realize."

"I know you didn't. You're not that crazy." He ushered me into the hall and down to the kitchen, sat me in a chair and got a bowl from the kitchen. "You are in luck, cause I made more of that soup."

I smiled gratefully and started eating. Not only was it filling, but it was helping take the last of the chill from my bones. As I was eating Shiro came in and sat down. Hunk, brought him a bowl as well. Must be lunch time or supper…oh I have no idea what time it is.

"Good to see you up." He said and then went on to eating his soup. I was expecting questions or a talk or something, but he just sat there and ate his soup. I looked over for Hunk, but he had disappeared.

"So, um, what time is it?" I asked as I finished the last of my soup.

"Middle of the night, about 2 am." He answered.

"I'm sorry you have to be up so late for me." I mean really, these pods should just keep you frozen until a decent hour.

"It's no trouble. I don't sleep much anyway." He didn't even look up, just answered casually.

"Oh, why?" Maybe it was rude to ask, but it was out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about it.

This time he did look up, "Nightmares mostly, I worry about things, sometimes it's just hard to relax."

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't it. I may have sat a little too long with my mouth open.

"Lance?" He was looking at me waiting for a response.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I just didn't expect you to have nightmares I guess. I mean not that you don't have reason to or anything, it 's just you're you and I…" I gestured vaguely with my hands because my mouth stopped spilling out words.

He smiled, "I'm just a person Lance. I'm not perfect."

"You're pretty close." I blurted out. Okay now I'm blushing and so is he.

"It's nice of you to say that, but I think you'll see when you get to know me that it isn't true. Keith, I'm sure could point out a million not perfect things about me. For instance, did you know I'm a horrible cook? Hunk started leaving me late night snacks in the fridge after he caught me setting the toaster thing on fire one night." Shiro chuckled.

"How did you?" I turned and looked at the space toaster. It was even more simple than an earth toaster, how could he burn it? You literally just push a single button.

"I don't know." He shrugged.

I couldn't help but laugh at that point, I mean one button. He smiled back at me and I realized I hadn't given him a chance to be more than my hero, a guy in a poster. Sure I'd admired him, but I hadn't really gotten to know him either.

"I owe you an apology. The last few days are really jumbled up in my head, but I remember yelling at you and I'm sorry." I met his eyes and he nodded accepting my apology.

"Lance, I have some questions about the last few days if you think you want to answer them?"

"Sure, I owe you some explanations first. I want to apologize for not telling you everything I see when we are in battle. The reason I didn't go to Pidge was because I saw a cannon about to fire on Hunk. I should have told you, but I honestly just had it in my head that you would see it anyway. Then in the last battle, at least I think that's right, like I said the days are kind of mixed up in my head, anyway in that one I saw the fourth cruiser show up and Blue and I moved to take it on. Then Keith called for back up, which he never does that, so we left the ship to go help him. I'm not sure what happened, but when Red was free we turned to go back to the ship and we got hit with something." Shiro nodded never taking his eyes away, concentrating on what I was saying.

"Anyway, I woke up and Blue was down. I didn't know what was going on and I was really worried and confused. But she came back up and I heard you telling me to take out the ship. Blue said she was ready so we did that."

"You blacked out?" He asked.

"I guess, I don't really remember. Anyway someone pointed out to me that I'm not helping you lead us if I don't tell you what I see and I'm sorry for that." I looked up and was surprised to see a soft smile on his face.

"You don't have to apologize, we need to learn to work together and that takes time. Who was it who told you that?"

"Um, that's a longer story, I think I'd rather wait and tell everyone that at once, if that's okay?" I was a little uncertain I don't want to mess up this good thing going here, but its such a weird story I don't want to have to tell it more than once.

"Okay, how about tomorrow?" I can see he's concerned I'm holding back and wants to make sure I don't back out. He's probably right it's better to set a time.

"Sure. After breakfast?"

He smiled and nodded, "Now I'm going to walk you back to your room, because I'm not sure if you noticed, but your eyes keep drifting shut while you are talking."

"Oh," I hadn't noticed, but now that he mentioned it I am very tired. "Shiro, I can get to my room on my own, you know?" I am being genuine here, I really want to know why he's doing this.

"Sure you can, but a couple days ago you almost died and now I can see how tired you are feeling. I told you I worry. It will make me feel better to see you safely to your room." He stood and offered me his hand to help me up.

"Oh," I'm saying that too much, but that had not occurred to me at all, "well in that case, sure, I am really tired." He didn't think I was weak, he really cared. It was nice. I let him help me up and he walked me back to my room and waited by the door as I crawled into bed.

"Goodnight, Lance."

"Goodnight, Shiro. Oh, and thanks for making sure I was okay."

"Anytime, buddy."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I adore awkward Keith, just saying :)

The next morning I woke up feeling good, like really good. My head wasn't hurting, I didn't feel like puking and my talk with Shiro had gone pretty well. I was even feeling good about talking to the others, well mostly, a little nervous, but not horrible.

I ran into Pidge in the hall. It looked like she was on her way back from morning training. She gave me a big hug and then punched me in the arm.

"Dope, don't do that again." She gave me another hug and headed the direction she had been going.

"Pidge, are we friends?"

"Of course." She turned back looking at me cautiously.

"And we're good? I mean you're not mad at me, really?" This wasn't where I had planned this to go down, but best get started.

"Yeah, we're good." She smiled at me. "Shiro said you had something to tell us, but it could wait until after lunch. He said something about letting you sleep in?"

"Oh, oops, guess I was more tired than I thought. What time is it?" Oh yeah, after breakfast was gone.

"About two varga until lunch." She hurried off the way she'd been going and I don't know if I imagined or not, but she seemed happier than when I saw her at first. "Oh, um, Lance?" She turned back again, "I, well, I designed this game on the computer and I really need someone to kind of test it out?"

"Like a beta test?" I asked.

"Yeah, a beta tester, so would you? Would you come by later tonight? To play?" She seemed nervous.

"I'd love to, absolutely, I'll be there." She nodded and headed on her way.

Well, that went well. If the rest of the day is that easy then I don't have anything to worry about. I should never think things like that. The alarms sounded in the castle.

"Paladins to your lions! We have three Galra cruisers attacking a planet. We just received the distress signal. I am beginning the wormhole now, we will be within range in ten ticks. There are troops on the ground as well. I will be taking the castle into the atmosphere to deal with them." Allura's voice echoed in the hall and I was off and running. Through the armor area and into the zipline and off to Blue. She was powered up and ready.

"Let's go get'em, Beautiful." We could feel when the castle came out of the wormhole and we were shooting off into space.

"Lance, you sure you're 100%?" Shiro asked over the com.

"110% Shiro, ready to go!" Blue roared her agreement. We moved in as a team and began attacking. Blue and I were on fighter patrol and sat back taking out the angry buzzing ships as they tried to attack the others. Pidge and Hunk were on one ship working in tandem. Green's maneuverability was a great compliment to Yellow's sheer power. Shiro and Black took the lead cruiser and Red and Keith the other. Blue and I were making good progress and had been keeping the fighters off our team, when I noticed the ship Pidge and Hunk had start to break up. A large piece was headed to the planet, and it was too big to burn up in the atmosphere. I still had two dozen fighters to deal with.

"Shiro, there is debris heading for the planet. It will do a lot of damage if it hits." I called out into the com.

"Keith, take Red, she's the fastest. Either bounce it off the atmosphere or break it into smaller pieces. Pidge, Hunk, back on the ship Keith had. Good eyes, Lance!" Shiro called out his orders.

I couldn't help the swell of pride at the compliment. When Keith and Red demolished the debris I had to yell out for him. "Nice work, Keith!"

"Thanks," Keith answered quietly. He really hasn't got this cheering each other on thing down yet.

"Keith, help Lance mop up the fighters." Shiro called as the ship he had been attacking exploded and he moved to help Pidge and Hunk finish the last one. "Allura, do you need us down there?"

"No, there were only a few small ships. They have been taken out. The planet's own military is working to stop any ground soldiers that escaped."

I gave a big howl as Blue and I scooped through the last three fighters taking them all out. She spun around in a big flip and roared as we came back around.

"Show-off." Keith said, but this time I'm pretty sure he said it in a fun way.

"You bet! How can someone as beautiful as Blue not show off!" We did another flip as the last cruiser blew and Shiro and the others came toward us.

"Good work team, let's head down to the castle."

Blue and I landed and after promising her a good scrub down when I got the chance I headed in for the debrief. Coran was there waiting for us.

"Princess Allura is communicating with the planet's leadership now. It seems they were able to get the distress signal out very quickly and have not received significant damage. She would like you to join her Number One, as soon as your debrief is done. She wanted me to let you all know that it was a job well done." Coran was bouncing. This battle had gone smoothly and it was clear he was happy.

"Thank you, Coran, I will just add to what Allura sent. It was a well fought battle today. You all worked very well together. Good work. Lance, I know you wanted to talk with everyone, but we will have to postpone until later. Be sure to get yourselves something to eat."

Pidge muttered something that suspiciously sounded like "yes, Space Dad". Shiro ignored her and headed off after Coran.

"Well, lunch then? Who's up for food goo?" Hunk headed toward the kitchen with Pidge at his heals. I was getting ready to go out the door when Keith stopped me.

"I don't hate you." he said it so quiet that I wasn't even sure he'd actually said it for a minute. I stopped and stared at him. He was just sitting there looking at the floor. "I mean, well, I just don't."

"Okay." I'm not sure what else to say.

"Okay." He didn't say anything else for like an awkward amount of time. "Why do you say good job and stuff to me out there?"

I think I looked at him like he had three heads, "because you do a good job?" I mean why else would I say that.

"You're not teasing me?" He looked so unsure it was weird.

"No, if I was teasing you we would be talking about your poor choice in hair cuts, Mullet." I gave him a smile. Huh, no wonder he acted weird if he thought I was teasing him.

"My hair is fine, Lance." He reached a hand up and patted the back of the atrocity on his head. Honestly it doesn't look that bad on him, it's just the principle of the thing, I mean it's a mullet for pity's sake.

"Okay, clearly your sense of fashion is warped beyond all hope." He's still being kind of weird. Not really looking at me.

"You know that's the second time you've almost died on me." If I thought he was quiet before I stand corrected, this was a whisper.

"Yeah," I'm not sure what to say, wasn't my idea of a good time either.

"This time it was my fault."

"What? No way!" It's not like he hit me.

"You and Blue got hit because of me. I noticed you were acting weird and I knew you were in pain. And then you freaked out in the hall and I knew something was wrong, and I should have just gone after you." He looked up and I'm not kidding, Keith was crying.

Now I have a policy on crying. People don't cry alone with me. It's a sucky policy cause I hate crying, but on cue the tears popped up.

"It's not your fault. I didn't know it was that bad, really I just thought I had a bug or something." I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "Really there is no way that I am blaming you for any of this."

"Really?" he sniffled, like a toddler sniffled, it was too cute.

"Really."

"Just, can you lay off on the dying thing. I don't have very many friends and I'd like to keep the ones I have." He gave me a smirk and wiped his tears.

"I'm your friend?" I couldn't keep the astonishment out of my voice.

"Well, if you want to be." he was looking unsure again. It was odd, I wondered how many times over the last weeks I had misinterpreted what he was saying or doing, because I never in a million years would have guessed that Keith Kogane thought of me as a friend.

"I would, I would like it if we were friends." I gave him a smile and helped him up. "Want a hug?"

"No."

"Aw, come on buddy, a big new friend hug?" I held my arms out.

"Um…I don't hug." he pulled back looking a little nervous.

"Why?"

"I don't like feeling trapped." Okay, never once in my life has a hug made me feel anything other than warm and safe so I kind of have to wonder what Keith's life has been like that lead him to that conclusion.

"Oh, okay, fist bump? High five? Pat on the shoulder?" He shook his head no to the first two and then hesitated on the last so I took that as an okay and patted his shoulder. "Alright got that worked out. Let's go get some food."


	16. Chapter 16

We were lounging on the couches after lunch. Pidge was tapping away on a keyboard, Hunk was discussing something mechanical with her. I'm pretty sure Keith was asleep. He was curled up like a cat at the end of the couch. I was leaning back, legs stretched out and just happy to be sitting in a place with people and noise. I really should learn not to get comfortable.

"There you are Number three. I require a word with you." Coran was suddenly standing over me looking…angry? I'm not sure because I've never seen quite that look on his face and it has me a little flustered.

"Um…Okay?" I looked over at Hunk, who had his mouth hanging open staring at Coran as well.

"If you would follow me." He turned, like full military precision turn, and walked out the door.

"I'd go if I was you." Keith muttered from the couch, he was staring with wide eyes at the door.

I got up and hurried to follow Coran. He didn't even turn or speak to me. Just marched down to the infirmary. I followed getting more and more nervous as we went. I'm not really sure what to expect when we get there. He turns and just stares at me for a few ticks and then starts talking.

"I have something I need to tell you and I am sorry that I may need to be harsh about it. The truth is I'm as mad as a wet Balmonkian Tubu Bird, and that's saying something. You were injured and you did not report it to me. How am I going to assure you are healthy if you do not let me know when you are hurt? I asked you! I specifically asked you!" Coran threw his hands in the air and spun around facing the pods and taking deep breaths. "You would have died. If Keith hadn't found you, hadn't insisted we go when we did, you would have died."

I'm not sure what to do at this point. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? I spoke with you only hours before. How much pain where you in then? Why could you not tell me?" Coran turned and there wasn't anger any more just deep sorrow. "Did you not trust me?"

"I just…I didn't know it was that bad. I really didn't and I didn't want to bother anyone." It's killing me that I made him feel bad. I don't know how to take it back or fix this.

"Bother? How bothered do you think we would be if you died?!"

"I mean, I guess it would be hard to find another Paladin and you might all be in danger if you couldn't form Voltron?" Okay now I'm panicking a little and just saying what comes to mind and judging by the vein throbbing on Coran's forehead it was the wrong thing.

"Voltron?! Paladin?!" Coran slammed his fists down onto on of the exam tables in front of him. I think it actually dented a little. "I am talking about you!" He turned and this time I could see tears forming in his eyes. "What would we have done if we had lost you?"

I found myself wrapped in hug. Coran was crying. I made Coran cry. I think I'm crying now, but it's hard to tell.

"I'm sorry, really, I'm sorry."

"You are no longer allowed to self-diagnose or self-medicate. I want you to come and see me even if you think it's just a bug or whatever you said. Why are you so worried about being a bother? Why are you still apologizing even now?"

"Coran, I…do Alteans have problems like with brain chemistry or anything?" I pulled back and looked at him carefully. I wasn't sure how to explain this, but I needed to try for him.

"Like an illness? I suppose, most of those types of things were corrected." Coran twirled his moustache as he thought.

"Corrected, right, like with medicine?" I wonder.

"Some, but mostly corrected with an adjustment during gestation. Sort of a cryopod for the unborn child, it was very complicated and only the most trained doctors would attempt it, but nearly any illness or malformation could be corrected. Before the procedure birth defects like missing limbs or ears were actually very common. There was also a common brain ailment which prevented the child from relaxing properly." Coran looked at me waiting for a further explanation for this line of questioning.

"Okay, well we don't have that on Earth. When I was on Earth I took medication to help me focus and sometimes I took something to help me not be depressed. It all had to do with keeping the chemicals balanced in my brain so that I could think clearly. When we left I didn't have anything with me, it wasn't like we packed or planned to go, so after seven days or whatever you call them it was all gone out of my system." I know I am totally blushing. I am so afraid he is going to think less of me. I have dug my nails into the palms of my hands and I'm focusing on that. I didn't even realized I'd closed my eyes until the touch of his hand on mine startles me.

"Dear boy," I can feel him unfolding my hand. He wipes the blood away where I've dug in too deep. I am staring at my hand now. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. He rubs his hand on my back and then steps away. I wish he would come back. He does. He puts some kind of medicine on my hand and then unfolds the other and does the same. I can hear him breathing deeply, but I don't look up. I'm afraid to see the disappointment in his eyes. He stops in front of me. I can't take it. I look up. He is looking right at me, but he doesn't look disappointed.

"Thank you." He pulls me in for another softer hug. "Thank you for trusting me and telling me this. Now I can try to help. I will need to do some research, and I may need you to come down for a scan or two, but I'm sure we can find something to help. I'm sure." He wiped some tears from his own eyes.

I'm not going to say I felt good about that conversation, but relieved maybe. At least Hunk wasn't the only who knew now, and Coran said he was going to find something to help. I really missed my ADHD meds. Training would be so much easier if I had them, also sleeping, and talking, and lots of other things. And the depression thing is always so much worse when the ADHD is out of control. Being unable to focus is depressing plain and simple.

I was leaving the infirmary area when I saw Allura coming my way. Well, she was the only one I hadn't talked with yet, surely it couldn't be as hard as the conversation I just finished. I really, really, need to stop thinking things like that.

"Lance, I need to speak with you." She looked pissed. I mean Coran was angry, but this was different I could see her hands shaking.

"I have waited to say something so I could speak calmly, but I fear I was only partially successful." This was success? Shit, how mad was she before?

"I need you to return the items you have taken. They were not yours to take and I want them put back at your nearest convenience." She didn't even give me a chance to respond, not that I could have because I'm just standing here with my mouth open. She just spun around and left. Did she really think I stole that stuff? What did she think I was going to do with it? I…what just happened there?


	17. Chapter 17

Okay so moment of truth, old me totally would let her walk away pissed and not correct her. New me's got to work this out. Also Blue is growling in my head something along the lines of "TALK TO HER".

"Allura, wait. Please." She stopped walking, I guess that's a start. "I think there's been a misunderstanding. Please give me a chance to explain."

"I don't know what there is to explain. Those things were left behind, but I, I didn't tell you to leave them alone and I suppose I should have. It is only natural to be curious, but I, those belonged to people and they are not for the taking. I just…" Her composure was crumbling right in front of my eyes. All those times I wondered how Coran or Allura felt about the empty castle, the empty rooms, the missing people - well I'm pretty sure I had my answer now.

"Please, Allura, just come with me. I wanted a chance to talk with everyone and I think you'll understand once I explain, and if it's still not okay I'll put everything back, I promise." I reached my hand out to her. She might still hate me, but I've never hated her and I can feel her pain even this far away.

She raised her eyes to mine and held them for a moment before nodding, hurdle one jumped.

I walked down to the common area and she followed. I asked if Shiro and Coran were available over the coms and they made their way down to the common area. Now that they were all here I feel really self conscious. I mean, do they really all want to hear this story.

"Of course they do, Cub." Blue inserted herself into my panicky thoughts.

"Thanks, beautiful. I like this new chatting thing we're doing. You are amazing, you know?"

"I know." she purred satisfied.

"Lance?" Shiro called and waved his hand in front of him.

"Oh, sorry, um anyway. I just wanted to first apologize again. I really didn't know I was in so much trouble. I mean I knew I didn't feel good, but I didn't know I was like dying until I was unconscious."

"Lance, how did you know you were dying when you were unconscious? That literally doesn't make sense." Pidge stopped me as I was about to go full ramble.

"Right, right, so okay from the top. I um, well I'm not very good at this. I don't like talking about personal stuff, so yeah." I'm sure my face is fifteen shades of red and I keep running my hand through my hair. "So to start, I have ADHD." I looked up and find that most of them are nodding, "I guessing from the not shocked looks, most of you figured that out."

"I mean, it makes sense, but I didn't know it, not specifically." Keith offered.

"Okay. I took medication for it, but of course, I don't have it here."

"I'm sorry, it seems everyone else knows, but what is ADHD?" Allura asked.

"Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder," I explained, "it means that I have trouble focusing my thoughts for extended periods of time. I can't sit still very long without moving. I get distracted easily. I have trouble putting things in order. I'm not very good at allotting time for things, so I'm late a lot. I tend to lose my train of thought. Things like that. It all has to do with brain chemistry. There are things I do to like manage it, and most of the time I do okay. It's harder without the medicine and it's harder when things are like out of routine or stressful." I shrugged there was pretty much nothing out here that wasn't out of routine or stressful.

Allura nodded. She was quietly taking this in. I think she's still a little off from our hallway conversation.

"Anyway a lot of kids with ADHD have tendencies toward other issues as well," Okay deep breath, I can do this, "and I also took medication for anxiety and depression. I just told Coran about it and he is going to try to help figure out something to help, since I can't get that anymore. I just wanted to let you know because, I know that I worry about things I shouldn't, but I still worry about them. Sometimes I just can't reason my way out of it and I know it's not right, but I still feel it." I think I said that all in one deep breath. At some point Hunk has managed to get next to me and now has his arm around me offering me his physical support. I may have been shaking a little.

"So, just know I'm working on it and I'm working on being more open and being a better teammate." Hunk gave my shoulders a squeeze.

"Thank you, Lance." Shiro smiled encouragingly. "I think we all can work on being more open with each other and learning more about it each other." He looked around the room at each person. I suppose they all have their secrets or things they'd rather not speak about. He looked back to me, "You were going to tell me who told you about the leadership thing?"

"Yeah and that's kind the main thing I wanted to tell you all together, cause it was weird and I figured you'd all think I was crazy anyway. First I want to take you to that room you found me in." Most everyone looked confused, except Allura, at the mention of the room she looked pissed.

As we walked there I talked a little, explaining, "So I was feeling kind of lonely and sad a while back and I started exploring this part of the castle for something to do. I mostly found empty rooms, until I came across one that still had someone's things in it. Um, and like I said I was already feeling lonely and sad and it really bothered me that this person was, like, just forgotten. I mean her things were just there and she wasn't coming back and no one had even been in there or thought about her. At least that's what I was thinking."

As we reached the room I opened the door and waited for them all to go in. I picked up Ella and Crista's picture. "This was what I found first. Anyway on Earth some people make places like this to remember people or think about people who are gone or missing. I wanted to bring them here to remember them, they didn't deserve to be in those cold dark rooms, forgotten. Then Pidge found these great candle things and they worked so well I brought them too."

"Oh." Allura had her hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes. "I understand now, Lance. I am sorry I jumped to conclusions without talking to you."

"It's alright, Allura, the truth is you don't know me that well yet, and I get why you got the wrong idea."

She nodded and I continued. "So that's were the weird and how I knew I was dying when I was unconscious come in."

"I had been coming down here for awhile and kind of pretending to talk to them." I gestured at the items and I'm definitely blushing and not making any eye contact, cause this is totally embarrassing. "Like try to think of who they were and what they were like. Then when I wasn't feeling good I couldn't remember where this picture was taken." I picked up the one of my family, taken in front of our house of all places to forget. "I guess that was because of the injury, because I remember now."

"Anyway so I thought I had forgotten and I was forgetting them so I needed to bring them here. I did and I wasn't feeling well, so I laid down to close my eyes, but as I did, Ella," and I pointed to her so they would know who I meant, "was like in the room with me telling me not to go to sleep."

"The picture talked to you?" Keith asked eyeing me like I'm nuts.

"No, I mean that's what I thought at the time, but it turns out it was Blue. She could sense something was wrong so she like used her memories to create stuff in my head and introduce me to some of these people, like Ella and Crista." I handed the picture to Keith to look at. "Ella was like a paramedic and Crista was like a rehab nurse. I met Max, who said it was okay to give Pidge their clothes. And I met Commander Hobkin," I handed Shiro the uniform cap, "he's the one that gave me the whole lecture on telling you stuff."

So I'm thinking they all think I've gone like Dorothy on them here, and you were there and you…this sucks cause no one is saying anything.

"Anyway it was all Blue. She said I was dying and she had to keep my mind busy so there wouldn't be any damage."

"She spoke to you?" Allura's head snapped up and she stared intently at me. "In words?"

"Well, in words, like in my head, not out of her mouth." I'm thinking she's planning to fit me for a padded room and Blue is doing some weird lion laugh in my head.

"Can you hear her now?" Coran asked.

"Sure, she's laughing at me right now. Apparently my concern that you'll all think I'm crazy is amusing." Traitor, I think at her.

"Fascinating." Coran is twirling his moustache.

"Is it possible, Coran, so soon?" Allura turned to him.

"Well I suppose it is since it is happening but I never would have guessed." He replied.

"Please explain." Shiro requested formally.

"We know that it is possible for the lions to speak, in words, not just feelings or images, but before it took years before the bond was strong enough between the lion and the paladin for this to happen. We did not expect it to happen so soon." Allura was looking at me with almost a bit of respect there.

"Well, I think Blue had to rush to help me out." She purred something in my head about it not been much of a rush; she had been ready. "Of course, she just now said she was ready and it wasn't a rush."

"That's very impressive Lance." Coran patted my back, "this kind of paladin lion bond is really quite remarkable."

"Yeah, she's being very smug now and I'm getting the I told you so cub speech."

"She called you, cub?!" Allura was grinning with her hands clasped in front of her like I said something super cute.

"Yes?" I'm not sure if the squeal came from Allura or Coran, but either way there was some quick dialogue about the lions and how they work and things that went over my head, but I think Pidge and Hunk followed part of it.

It was good being here with all of them. Shiro wanted to know more about the Commander and Keith was looking through the pictures on the sill. Pidge was checking out the walls in the room trying to figure out the sparkle. Allura and Coran were looking through on of the Altean journals and quietly talking. Hunk had come and sat next to me in the back row.

"You're smiling." he whispered not even turning to look at me. "I missed that."

"This is a good day Hunk. It wasn't easy, but as I've been told recently things that are important are worth fighting for."

"Yeah," he turned and looked at me, "which things?"

"You guys, being a paladin, this place, all of it?" I shrugged it was kind of a big sentiment to get out in words.

He hummed and was quiet for a minute. "Don't forget you."

"What?" I think I didn't hear him right.

"Don't forget that you are worth fighting for too. I'm like super proud to be your friend right now." He gave me a big smile. "This place is amazing and you were so adult and mature talking about everything. It's all really kind of impressive."

"Hunk, seriously, I have blushed enough today." I grabbed him in a hug and buried my face in his shoulder.

I could feel him laughing as his chest moved. I'm not that mature, so I sort of maybe, tickled him. He also sort of fell off the bench and took me with him. By this time we were both laughing loudly. At which point, Pidge screamed "dog pile" and pounced on us. She has very small hands and fingers and is freaking deadly at tickling. I couldn't breath by the time she relented and let me up.

As I sat up, I saw Coran smiling fondly, Shiro looking amused, Allura with her eyebrows raised like she couldn't believe we were actually doing this, and Keith far enough away not to accidently be involved in the tickling, but smiling and looking relaxed. Hunk's face was red and there were tears in his eyes from laughing. Pidge had a full cackle going and an evil little grin that was pure gremlin joy.

Behind them in my mind Blue supplied faces and names with the items on the sill. Ella, Crista, Max, Commander Hopkin, Boto, Nowlin, Brand, Pord, and others stood smiling mixed in with my friends. I could feel Blue connecting with the other lions, I could feel them giving her information and more and more faces appeared, until the room was full. She purred in my mind sensing my joy.

"What is she showing you Lance?" Allura was suddenly there beside me, looking at me.

"How?"

"I can sense all of them a little and they are all focused here right now so it's more obvious." She offered.

"Oh, all of the people, all of the ones from my shrine. It's like the room is full of people." I don't know what I looked like staring at all of them, trying to figure out who went with which thing.

"I wish I could see them too. I remember when the castle was full of people." Her wistful tone made me turn.

"I could, tell you about who I see? Maybe you knew them?" I offered.

"I would like that, Lance. I would very much like that and I wanted to thank you." She touched my hand with hers and I came very close to falling off of the bench again.

"Thank me?" and my voice did not just squeak like that.

"For making this place, for caring about them, for remembering what they did. It's good to know that Coran and I won't be the only ones with memories of my people." She smiled at me and I died. Okay I didn't die, but I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating for several minutes. Blue is now dead also from laughing too much - not really.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you have all enjoyed :). I would love to hear what were your favorite parts.

**Author's Note:**

> Love love love reviews :) Also feel free to point out any oopsies, typos, not makie sense pieces...constructive criticism makes the story better.


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